A Clear Pool

"How are you liking Kennesaw State?" or "How are you liking being in Kennesaw?" This must be the question of the hour. Everyone keeps asking me the same question. Is it because it's something I need to ponder? Maybe it's just one of those really random questions that people just ask. Maybe they've been asking me this whole time, and it's only just now bothering me. It's really only bothering me, because I don't know what answer I should give. I'm not the happiest, but I'm not disappointed... Here's my question of the hour: Is it better to love someone just because they love you...or to love someone for who they are, even if they don't love you the same way? With the first, maybe you will grow to love who they are, but with the second you can only hope they will grow to love you. Why can't there just be a person who loves you just as much as you love them? There are a lot of people like that...called friends and a...

...but you can not see me... ...Blindness. I've been becoming more and more happy recently, it's been difficult. Today I had a nice little relapse, though, and it was refreshing. I got so much inspiration, I just could not stop. So many drawings and songs. The feelings of sinking to the floor in emotion or crying from inner turmoil, they were strange to miss? There are good reasons to return from this, though. Good reasons to face my fears... There is a man in my presence. Not now, but around. There are boys everywhere, but I thought I found something rare: a man. Today, I parted my hair different, the boys liked that. To me, it was funny. I liked to be noticed, sort of, but I did not particularly care for the attention. It seemed too stupid. With that man, though, I don't see so much of that stupidity. Thank you for pushing me out of the darkness for a moment. Why is it, though, I let you make me feel like a girl... like a woman? A little glance or a touch...

I had a good time at a concert/fashion show...and it's one event in a succession of fated events... I've been thinking a lot about wanting friends, and how I don't know how to go about it. I've been thinking about things I want to do, things I want to buy/get. And only recently have I come to accept that I have to do something. I can't just put things off because I "don't have money". Because I've accepted that money isn't the most important thing, and I've been focusing on my strong desire to branch out and change...things have been going well. There are so many voices, pictures, and feelings within me and without, trying to influence me and change my direction. One night, I finally listened to one. I got a text from my RA about an event, and I was really hyper...so I took a chance and went (even though no one I knew was going with me and I didn't know what the event was). It was interesting, and I got to introduce myself to som...

I've been feeling more pressure from "people" lately. All kinds of people. Some of them don't even mean to influence me. It goes back to the "clear pool" imagery. The image I got of how I feel is in two parts, sort of like this: One I'm in the middle of a large ring of people, with my eyes closed and my face turned upward. I know I have to lower my head to open my eyes. In the circle, there are a lot of people yelling "Look at me!" who want my attention for some reason or another. Some of them want to hurt themselves. Some of them just don't want me to look at the others. Some of them want me to love them or they want my help. Then there are the quiet ones. There are some people that I really want to look at, but they are quiet and patiently waiting for me to look at them. So, as I'm standing in the middle, I don't know where those people are in the circle. When I look down and open my eyes, my peripheral vision will only ...

"People say to open new doors...I like to run through and open all of them at once." I like to say that alot, haha. I realized, though, that opening the door isn't nearly enough (duh?) Something else I say too much, "I'll do it when I get a job to pay for it" "Money is a good reason, but it's usually not the real reason"~ Revolutionary Road I went to watch the Hiphop class offered at the Wellness Center (taught by an acquaintance from the Commons) and felt really dumb. I've been saying that I will take dance lessons when I get a job, but this whole time there has been a free dance class right under my nose. I knew it was there, but I didn't bother going that route. It's like knowing a shortcut and taking the long way just because it's habit (Savannah and I have been doing that a lot, too). So I'm thinking, even if I don't make a lot of friends or love a lot of people...I should at least take care of my interest...

I've become more aware of my apathy toward my own life. There is a voice in my head, sometimes, and I don't know what voice it is...as I let things happen, or I let people get closer to me, the voice says, "How could you do this to me?" It's the saddest voice I know. It rings in my head and in my bones, and makes my heart ache. The voice resembles that of a child's and comes from some place deep inside myself. I wonder, is it my heart, or my head? I tend to push it to the side and ignore the voice. I go off with harmless strangers, the ones whose intent is not malicious. They are the strangers who have subconsciously realized that I am more than the other humans. Maybe it's because they realize it, but some of them try to come back. I'll have met them once or twice and they will say, "I miss you," or "there was just something about you". My heart feels no strong connection to these people, but I let them in anyways. Becaus...