A Clear Pool

What does it feel like to die? Does it hurt? They took ink and needle to my skin once, and I thought the whole time: Please let this hurt, I always want to remember how this feels. And maybe, if it hurts beyond belief, I will do it again and again. And it surprised me. "Did it hurt?" They asked me. I really didn't know what to say. I wanted it to hurt.  So my anticipation was nowhere near the reality How could I say that to people? How could I just tell the truth... why did I tell the truth? You have five people to protect, I told her. You can burn the rest of the world for all I care, but watch over them for me. I closed my eyes and she nodded. So what does it feel like? I thought it was going to be unbelievable. Maybe, I still hope it will be. Thumb on my back, crick in my neck, tension in my hands and feet. General loss of balance. Feeling of weightlessness and shaking heaviness at the same time. Everything is blurry, I can't see anything even thou...

I feel like I'm becoming an infant again. There is a white box in my corner cabinet. It doesn't have anything particularly secretive in it, nothing I am trying to hide. Rather, it has only secrets in it. So to the untrained eye it could be perceived that the box has nothing of value. That box, I thought, was meant to be saved for my future children. But I realized since some time ago, that its meant for another child. Leah has always had a penchant for keeping things that speak alot in a quiet box. I was wondering, while contemplating how my own children might be, what kind of life they would have. It's nothing that can be predicted. But, when I think of what I might pass onto them, from my experiences and my personality, I feel like its possible to see a glimmer of who could come of it. As I thought about my own childhood and life experiences, I became very distraught. Something tore me up inside, and struck a uniquely intense fear in my heart. I wondered, "...