A Clear Pool

In my life there has been a lot of "new" and with it much confusion. Despite the many tasks needing accomplished during this break from school, I feel I have been able to step back again and take a small break from that confusion. In this break, I have learned so much about myself. I have understood so much I did not dream of. I have accepted so much I was afraid of... ...I have realized so much. My eyes have truly opened a small fraction more. Still there is a lot to do and learn before eyes can be wide open and the world can be seen in all facets. I want to be able to see everything, so I will begin with the finer details and workings (the ones I am capable of understanding). I fear I will not have enough resolve and strength on my own to do everything I must. That is a somewhat stupid fear. Not because it isn't with good cause; I know I can not do everything on my own. It is very misplaced, though. The more stupid fear is that of taking action and, even more so, ...

I've been slowly becoming detached from my body and the world. Feeling I could only learn using one part at a time, I closed the doors that lead to things that seemed overwhelming. Meeting you, I feel I have opened some of those doors, but why did I open so many at once? One, easier than I thought, another much more difficult, all not as I expected. You, who is hurting silently by yourself. Please don't hate me for reading your heart, it was open plainly from what I could see. I'm told I misread it, but the fear of being right torments me. I want you to read it to me, and I will believe what you say, even if what I thought was different...I will trust your words, so please don't cut yourself with them... You, who is sleeping in my arms. It seemed you had a scar on your heart that no one knew how to heal. If I know how to heal it, will you let me? Do you want it healed? Maybe you realized this, but you've been giving me things I've secretly wanted. I'...

I went to a concert today. Aside from it being completely amazing (the music and the company especially) I felt like I learned a lot. I'm very tired right now, so I will be brief. I admire people who know what they are looking for, especially in a partner, and can still love other people even if they know that person is not their "mate" or "other half"...to me, it seems that rather than a "half" it takes the love of many people and many parts to make a whole. Sometimes when I am with people, something between us feels really right, like by being with certain people at a certain time I am exactly where I need to be. I feel I will never regret those moments, and I pray to never forget. I also learned that despite my social awkwardness/naivete, there is some sort of force (whether my own talent, an other's, or fate) that allows me to make friends very quickly. Now that I am on my own, and have the choice of where I want to be or who I want to ...

Standing back for a moment. It's nice to finally take that deep breath, before and after a long scream. Thank you for taking that last breath with me, please don't dread the next, and feel free to breath on me sometime. Standing back for a moment. It's nice when everything starts to make sense. Thank you for helping me make sense of it, even if I didn't make much sense. Let's stand back for a moment, and count the things we're thankful for: Roses, kittens, pretty things that make you sick when you're angry...people who are not idiots and people you don't know (people that are just there). It's okay if I battle by myself, but I want to have someone there when I'm victorious. I'm glad that I know there will always be someone there.

A non-confrontational, easy-going, people-loving, dreamer... ...one by one I abandon traits to my character, or what I thought was my character. I was a child. I wanted to learn and love and laugh. I was hurt. I wanted to hide and cry and scream. I got older. I became more depressed. I forgot why I was depressed. I was lost. I tried to find stability, in a land where I knew nothing. I remembered. I felt enraged. I tried to overcome. I thought I did. I wanted to try again. I tried to love again. I got scared and ran. I ran around in circles. I fell and hit the ground hard. I said it did not hurt. I smiled and said no more. I lied. I learned how to act. I wanted the act to be the real me. I forgot who the real me was. I was confused. Again, I am enraged. In the most confusing times, stop and smell the roses. Stop and try to find out where you are. I don't want to stop because I'm scared. I feel so angry. I want to run, I want to sleep, and I want t...