A Clear Pool

As I sat in contemplation, seeing reels repeating on a cyclic timeline, a song titled "Remember Ever ything" came on the radio. It was clearly not a song that fit word-for-word with my feelings, but something about it spurned some thoughts that easily built off of my prior path of thought. Oh, dear mother, I love you. I'm sorry, I wasn't good enough. Something had to change, and I would die for the opportunity to go back and make that possible. Dear father, forgive me. 'Cause in your eyes, I just never added up. This bold action, too much for so little, you disagreed with me. It may have seemed like this disobedient child was doing something unfathomably foolish, but I did listen... and that's what made my decisions the most difficult. In my heart I know I failed you, but you left me here alone. One action represented everything you felt for me. You did not support my choice, but you did not intervene. Thank you. Oh, dear brother, just don't hate me. ...

It’s an odd sensation…seeing the sun rise after seeing it fall. Often this is experienced through waking up very early, which people my age aren’t necessarily apt to do. In that case, it’s much more common to witness a sunrise after a sleepless night. Whatever the reason, that curious moment evokes feelings of understanding and loneliness in me. In a way, I feel like I can compare it to my current lifestyle. Being awake is often a metaphor for understanding. In fact it’s a metaphor I probably overuse on a day-to-day basis. In the case of waking up early, perhaps the feeling is that I have awoken too early. By opening my eyes at such an hour I have witnessed, and therefore understood, something that people my age don’t regularly observe. Maybe it’s something that people my age aren’t ready to observe. I feel like I understand too much for my age, especially when I compare myself to others. I'm told this is a virtue. Another possible connection in the waking metaphor ...