A Clear Pool

In one day, there were two hugs. One said "good-bye" and one said "welcome". I am afraid of which one will eat me up inside the most. Tossing and turning in my sleep, I wake up and wonder, "Was it the same for you?" There was a strange brief moment of letting go where I fell back into him. Then as I let go for the long good-bye I felt like I was shaking on the inside. I wanted to ask you, "Was it the same for you? Did it shake you up like it did to me?" So close to you, I could reach out and touch your face, but I didn't. Reliving the past through my words, I tried to paint you the sad picture in my heart. I wanted you to see me, and for a moment I really believed that you did. Has anyone ever looked at me like that? I think it never happened before. Then one day, it happened twice. Are you waiting for me to fall apart, so that you can pick up the pieces? Do you see me for the fragile paper doll that I am, floating along and slo...

I feel like I have grown so much from the time we had together. You asked a lot of me, and I gave a lot- but that is probably why I feel I have changed so much... and really mostly for the better. The truth is that I am doing this for myself...so I am trying so hard not to be selfish and to take care of you however you need me to. If you need silence, we can completely cut each other off... or if you need some advice for growth I will try to be here to talk... and if you just need to get something off your chest I will try to listen... ...but there is one thing I don't think I can do anymore and I think it is to compromise. I feel like I compromised a lot of things that were meant for myself in order to be better for you. You were the light leading me through the darkness, and I ignored many other things around me to follow that light. You told me that light shined only for me, and I really believe that. I think your love for me was the light that could show me myself a...

I feel like I am currently in a weird transition phase... weird because the feeling is more that I am suspended here in some void. I guess it usually felt like that when I was in a transitional phase- not knowing when or from where a force might come to accelerate my progress in a new direction... like some piece of garbage out in space, about to be hit by a comet and sent flying into another uncertain future/period of my life. How did I get here in this void? It's pretty obvious that the absence of a huge part of my previous life is certainly a factor. When I say previous life it probably sounds like I am talking about something metaphysical, but I am just referring to a "phase" or "period"... I think. (I mean to some extent there could be an underlying force from a past lifetime if I care to indulge in that line of thinking, but let's try to keep it "simple". Hah.) Running with the garbage-suspended-in-space metaphor... it isn't very su...