A Clear Pool

I used to crave that feeling, the feeling that I was in another world... I used to force my mind out of my body to float around like I was separate... like I was a part of everything. I could feel each of my cells and their miniscule reactions like a sun exploding in the universe of my own consciousness... I was out of my mind. Then, I decided I was not going to do that anymore... not that I would not feel that way, but that I would not force it. Maybe I could control it... maybe it didn't need controlling. I thought, if I need such a perspective, it will come to me naturally. It came to me. I was listening to one of those miraculous individuals, the ones who understand everything and struggle unfathomably to communicate what they know. He wasn't saying too much. Just enough for me to know; I knew exactly what he was talking about. And my mind expanded...and my perspective dissolved into tiny nervous signals to my brain, chemical reactions and molecular cycles... I just l...

There was something there, I knew I needed to see. I went to see what I wanted, but I left feeling like I saw what I needed. It was a scary parallel. A dream within a dream within a movie of my existence. I thought the message was loud and clear, and I had to ask... "Is this what you're doing here? Are you trying to make me realize that I make myself into who I am?" I see what you did there. It's not that I need to take the drug and live the dream, or remember the dream outside the dream... but I choose which life I want to live, ultimately. I can admit to being the dreamer or just live. Are you the one who is there to remind me what it means to just live? At first, I thought I needed that too. I was living a lie instead of a dream, instead of a life I chose to live a drama. Then, one day everything just became real. Everything was always real, but the perspective is often that it is not so. Nothing is just on the surface, but every level does not have to be so co...

Try asking me what's on my mind, what's bothering me... I don't feel like I can accurately say. Give me a pen and paper... give me words to manipulate like pieces of a puzzle until they come together and look something like the image in my head. Maybe I can show you somehow. It's not that anything is really wrong. We are a song, all of us. We are dancing and humming along this path I've made and chosen. You helped me. You told me, "you're not alone, I'll be here". I felt that. I smiled. I decided to keep you close to me... I love all of you so much... and you're all here beside me (more or less), so why am I so lonely? In a flowery field we danced and rolled around. Even pushing or pulling at each other, it's all love. The four of us... and the many that follow. We all make our homes here and try to settle a happiness that we all can share. We go out to the field at night and look at the stars together. You think that under these s...