Zoning

I used to crave that feeling, the feeling that I was in another world... I used to force my mind out of my body to float around like I was separate... like I was a part of everything. I could feel each of my cells and their miniscule reactions like a sun exploding in the universe of my own consciousness... I was out of my mind.

Then, I decided I was not going to do that anymore... not that I would not feel that way, but that I would not force it. Maybe I could control it... maybe it didn't need controlling. I thought, if I need such a perspective, it will come to me naturally.

It came to me.

I was listening to one of those miraculous individuals, the ones who understand everything and struggle unfathomably to communicate what they know. He wasn't saying too much. Just enough for me to know; I knew exactly what he was talking about. And my mind expanded...and my perspective dissolved into tiny nervous signals to my brain, chemical reactions and molecular cycles... I just listened, felt...and knew.

This excited me. I found out, I could do this at will, almost...

There was something holding me back. Could it be my own life? My own sense? Or was it something induced by others? I feared, more than anything, it was the latter.

I couldn't bear it. I had to experiment. Was it me or them? I fell to the Earth, and then... letting go of the insignificant things that burdened my heart, I soared. The world was shaking, every piece was shaking....vibrating, glowing. It was both me and the world, and surrendering to and from both was the answer.

Now, I wonder if it was all worth it. I could have been like them. I could have worn blinders and seen only what pleased me... I could have feigned openness and scorned those unlike me... but I decided to hate everything. I decided to love everything. I decided.

So I keep slipping out of "reality". I keep slipping to a place beyond time and life and humanity... I keep slipping off to that place beyond the vibration of cells and light...

I know you don't want me to go.

A large part of me really wants to go... something inside me needs to go. But I look at your beautiful face, and I wonder how I could ever leave.

They say the first obstacle to fulfilling your destiny is the people you love. Is that going to be the case here? Is that the case? Should I float off somewhere, perhaps to be lost... or will I find that piece of me that's missing? Are you okay with me never finding that piece? Is that love?

I wonder these things, and all the while I'm slipping out and pulling back in... I'm rushing to that place beyond time, but you keep pulling me back. Thoughts and feelings of you keep pulling me back... thoughts and feelings keep slipping away...

In a way I am only in my head... in another bigger way, I am everywhere at once... but you are not with me when I am everywhere at once... you are here... and I am lost... am I here or am I even..?

Sometimes I wonder... when I'm zoning out... are you my anchor... are you the string to my balloon? Or am I supposed to fly up and up... reach the point where there is no warmth, no oxygen... and pop... my body floating down into the Earth and my soul residing in the Sky?