A Clear Pool

Be careful what you wish for... be careful what you imagine and hope for... be careful because you have the power to make things happen. I wanted to sing you a song... I wanted to punch you in the fucking face. Seeing you this way, I am horrified by your ugliness. I am disappointed... but I have learned so much! Drunken repetition of the words... I have learned so much! I am so embarrassed I did that! I'm so glad I learned so much! I don't recall ever being so angry. I can't recall wanting to hurt someone so badly... for now... you're probably lucky I'm willing to walk away.

My emotions have been so out of control lately. At times I wanted to hit something, at times I would cry, at times I would want to just run away. Sometimes I wanted to run into someone's (almost anyone's) arms. It all seems so stupid. I am being stupid. I keep repeating it. I knew I was being stupid. I didn't know exactly why... ...today, I understood a little more. It wasn't because I had feelings for you. Someone whom I could see so many flaws and imperfections inside and out. And it wasn't because I had overlooked those things, to see a beautiful heart and soul, only to be betrayed by my own vision... I was holding onto memories, ones that made me feel genuinely loved, that were mine alone. The happy words and small caring gestures may have been real, and it's okay for me to remember them. The part that makes this stupid, is that I hoped they would return. Knowing I was the only one who remembered, I foolishly thought maybe one day they could sudden...

I didn't really expect this... ...actually I did, I just didn't believe it would happen. Once again, I feel like a prize ass. Or I would, if I didn't trust my instincts, and honestly, I don't always trust them as much as I probably should. So for now, I really do feel like a prize ass. Apparently it's really hard for people to admit that they like me enough to let me get close to them. "No shit", and in frustration I might profess that I don't understand their logic. Unfortunately I understand it pretty well. I think, "society got another one" and I roll my eyes as I attempt to keep the promises I made when I still thought those people were different...were "special". I usually say things like "don't worry, I'll be your friend no matter what". That seems a little unfair. Mostly because the friend I am to you at one point could be closer and more honest than at other times... if I'm seeing you every ...