Always Running Off and Coming Back
I didn't really expect this...
...actually I did, I just didn't believe it would happen.
Once again, I feel like a prize ass. Or I would, if I didn't trust my instincts, and honestly, I don't always trust them as much as I probably should.
So for now, I really do feel like a prize ass.
Apparently it's really hard for people to admit that they like me enough to let me get close to them. "No shit", and in frustration I might profess that I don't understand their logic. Unfortunately I understand it pretty well. I think, "society got another one" and I roll my eyes as I attempt to keep the promises I made when I still thought those people were different...were "special".
I usually say things like "don't worry, I'll be your friend no matter what".
That seems a little unfair. Mostly because the friend I am to you at one point could be closer and more honest than at other times... if I'm seeing you every day, and we're slowly slipping into some kind of vague relationship where we are intimate (and claim there are no strings because we are friends) and suddenly you want to stop that intimacy, how am I supposed to go back to the friend I was before when I now know so much more?
The justification, "my other friends..." is a fucking insult. From the beginning I was not like your other friends, you said that and I felt you were telling the truth.
But this isn't a one-time deal. If you're reading this and you're thinking "she has to be writing about me", then know that you're not alone. You're not "special" like I thought you were.
I like how you think a good friend could mean something like, "I only like you as a friend, and I didn't mean to be intimate with you. I don't like you like that." That makes me think you do this all that time. I wonder how many other people you call friends got fed that line of bullshit.
Maybe I sound a little angry. I probably am, right now.
From my perspective, and according to my instincts, you were actually being honest. Every hug, every kiss and every touch, when you weren't trying to block off your heart with your mind, was honest and loving. You actually loved me, and you're too afraid to admit it.
When you did block your heart, don't think I didn't notice those times. You're different when you're lying through your skin.
But ok, let's say hypothetically you're really telling me the truth. Now I'm livid. You would lead me on that far, when you have no significant feeling toward me? You would lie to me? Thanks for using my feelings against me to make me feel stupid, undeserving and unloved... because it's not like I didn't have people already doing that for me.
Seriously, though. I have plenty of people who try to make me feel that way. Most of them can't get close enough to me, can't make me trust them, enough for it to work. What, are you some kind of heart-breaking spy of society?
Fuck you.
But I won't get to anymore apparently. That's ok, though, because there are plenty of people just like you in the world for you to mingle with.
I don't know if I want to stick around to hear about it.
I want to keep my promise. I love you, and I want to be a safe house that you can come and go freely from. I just wish you were a little more graceful, and a lot more honest with me.
P.s. I may have jinxed myself with one person I was getting carried away with loving. I was singing this song by myself one night, sitting outside with my cigarette and my stupid feelings.
...actually I did, I just didn't believe it would happen.
Once again, I feel like a prize ass. Or I would, if I didn't trust my instincts, and honestly, I don't always trust them as much as I probably should.
So for now, I really do feel like a prize ass.
Apparently it's really hard for people to admit that they like me enough to let me get close to them. "No shit", and in frustration I might profess that I don't understand their logic. Unfortunately I understand it pretty well. I think, "society got another one" and I roll my eyes as I attempt to keep the promises I made when I still thought those people were different...were "special".
I usually say things like "don't worry, I'll be your friend no matter what".
That seems a little unfair. Mostly because the friend I am to you at one point could be closer and more honest than at other times... if I'm seeing you every day, and we're slowly slipping into some kind of vague relationship where we are intimate (and claim there are no strings because we are friends) and suddenly you want to stop that intimacy, how am I supposed to go back to the friend I was before when I now know so much more?
The justification, "my other friends..." is a fucking insult. From the beginning I was not like your other friends, you said that and I felt you were telling the truth.
But this isn't a one-time deal. If you're reading this and you're thinking "she has to be writing about me", then know that you're not alone. You're not "special" like I thought you were.
I like how you think a good friend could mean something like, "I only like you as a friend, and I didn't mean to be intimate with you. I don't like you like that." That makes me think you do this all that time. I wonder how many other people you call friends got fed that line of bullshit.
Maybe I sound a little angry. I probably am, right now.
From my perspective, and according to my instincts, you were actually being honest. Every hug, every kiss and every touch, when you weren't trying to block off your heart with your mind, was honest and loving. You actually loved me, and you're too afraid to admit it.
When you did block your heart, don't think I didn't notice those times. You're different when you're lying through your skin.
But ok, let's say hypothetically you're really telling me the truth. Now I'm livid. You would lead me on that far, when you have no significant feeling toward me? You would lie to me? Thanks for using my feelings against me to make me feel stupid, undeserving and unloved... because it's not like I didn't have people already doing that for me.
Seriously, though. I have plenty of people who try to make me feel that way. Most of them can't get close enough to me, can't make me trust them, enough for it to work. What, are you some kind of heart-breaking spy of society?
Fuck you.
But I won't get to anymore apparently. That's ok, though, because there are plenty of people just like you in the world for you to mingle with.
I don't know if I want to stick around to hear about it.
I want to keep my promise. I love you, and I want to be a safe house that you can come and go freely from. I just wish you were a little more graceful, and a lot more honest with me.
P.s. I may have jinxed myself with one person I was getting carried away with loving. I was singing this song by myself one night, sitting outside with my cigarette and my stupid feelings.
I'm not the best drinker
But you are such a mess
And these short-lived nights will end
With my head resting on your chest
Then you will murmur things, that you will not remember
And you will murmur things, that I can not forget
I am waiting for the moment
When you get scared and leave
Because I know you're probably just like the others
I am hoping that this is all not true
Because I am looking for more than a lover
I am looking for a friend who's honest, is it you?
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