A Clear Pool

In one day, there were two hugs. One said "good-bye" and one said "welcome". I am afraid of which one will eat me up inside the most. Tossing and turning in my sleep, I wake up and wonder, "Was it the same for you?" There was a strange brief moment of letting go where I fell back into him. Then as I let go for the long good-bye I felt like I was shaking on the inside. I wanted to ask you, "Was it the same for you? Did it shake you up like it did to me?" So close to you, I could reach out and touch your face, but I didn't. Reliving the past through my words, I tried to paint you the sad picture in my heart. I wanted you to see me, and for a moment I really believed that you did. Has anyone ever looked at me like that? I think it never happened before. Then one day, it happened twice. Are you waiting for me to fall apart, so that you can pick up the pieces? Do you see me for the fragile paper doll that I am, floating along and slo...

I feel like I have grown so much from the time we had together. You asked a lot of me, and I gave a lot- but that is probably why I feel I have changed so much... and really mostly for the better. The truth is that I am doing this for myself...so I am trying so hard not to be selfish and to take care of you however you need me to. If you need silence, we can completely cut each other off... or if you need some advice for growth I will try to be here to talk... and if you just need to get something off your chest I will try to listen... ...but there is one thing I don't think I can do anymore and I think it is to compromise. I feel like I compromised a lot of things that were meant for myself in order to be better for you. You were the light leading me through the darkness, and I ignored many other things around me to follow that light. You told me that light shined only for me, and I really believe that. I think your love for me was the light that could show me myself a...

I feel like I am currently in a weird transition phase... weird because the feeling is more that I am suspended here in some void. I guess it usually felt like that when I was in a transitional phase- not knowing when or from where a force might come to accelerate my progress in a new direction... like some piece of garbage out in space, about to be hit by a comet and sent flying into another uncertain future/period of my life. How did I get here in this void? It's pretty obvious that the absence of a huge part of my previous life is certainly a factor. When I say previous life it probably sounds like I am talking about something metaphysical, but I am just referring to a "phase" or "period"... I think. (I mean to some extent there could be an underlying force from a past lifetime if I care to indulge in that line of thinking, but let's try to keep it "simple". Hah.) Running with the garbage-suspended-in-space metaphor... it isn't very su...

I hope I have enough talent to back up how annoying I must be when I talk about myself... Whenever I spend time with new people or coworkers these days I tend to walk away with a weird lingering feeling like a quiet anxiousness. Did I say too much about myself? Did I lie in some way? Was I exaggerating things- and as I undoubtedly did, was it too much or enough to actually be true? It seems like for as much as I talk about myself and my experiences, I doubt myself a bit more than I really should. It also seems like the more I say, the less I am really telling. I used to tell people so much less in the past, and it's almost like things seemed more real and sure back then. Like every time I tell a story or talk about something about myself it becomes less certain- yet is somehow confirmed by whoever is listening...do they believe me? If people believe in or agree about something I say, it somehow becomes more true than the truth and I get confused. I think at first it was a...

Before I graduated from college I often feared it would be the death of my art, seeing other artists with and without art related jobs failing to sustain their production of art when deadlines and class assignments were no longer there to enforce it. Even now I will not pronounce my art dead, although "comatose" might not be that far-off of a diagnosis. It really makes me sad to admit. However even with production at an all time low, the same could not be said for inspiration. I came to Korea anticipating that I would have no shortage of subject matter to draw my attention and inspire me, and I have not been disappointed! I have particular renewed interest in portraiture, and newly discovered desire for the skill of landscape/environment painting (due both to the immeasureable beauty of Korea and the amazing tutorials on youtube from Gurney's Journey). The landscapes are arguably possible considering I have a phone and frequently take pictures of eye-catching scener...

Paraphrasing and quotations from Civilization and Its Discontents by Sigmund Freud Civilization, or at least the aspect that Freud thinks is a socialized super-ego, is merely a cultural metaphor for the psychic fulfillment in each of us of a narcissistically thrilling wish to destroy the world, a wish "fulfilled" in a monstrously ingenious phantasmatic scenario of self-destruction.  Interestingly, it is difficult to determine a proper definition for the word "civilization". I remember this always being a complicated topic in school, and during my studies (particularly of Literature, English, and Sociology) the question often arose: what makes people that much better than others? Colonization, for example, notoriously comes with disdainful notions that one people deserve or rightfully should be ruled by another. The definition that seems to be ultimately settled on in this book is actually quite poetic compared to any definition I was ever taught (or ever disc...

In a large and colorful field, there was once a magical flower. The field had many flowers of all shapes, sizes, and colors. There were thousands, and they were all beautiful and wonderful in their own ways. From afar the many flowers were so lovely that it was hard to choose any that stood out from the others. One would never know that such a special flower was there. In fact if someone happened to notice this poor flower among all the others, it would probably look like one of the least special flowers in the field. During the short time of this flower's life a couple people dancing in the field had carelessly stepped on it. Although the flower had managed to survive and recover itself,  its petals were crumpled and looked no good compared to the many healthy flowers growing all around it. However these crumpled petals were the very reason the flower was magical. Looking very closely and in just the right lighting, the petals sparkled like they had been dusted with fine d...