For Good: Floating

I feel like I am currently in a weird transition phase... weird because the feeling is more that I am suspended here in some void. I guess it usually felt like that when I was in a transitional phase- not knowing when or from where a force might come to accelerate my progress in a new direction... like some piece of garbage out in space, about to be hit by a comet and sent flying into another uncertain future/period of my life.

How did I get here in this void? It's pretty obvious that the absence of a huge part of my previous life is certainly a factor.

When I say previous life it probably sounds like I am talking about something metaphysical, but I am just referring to a "phase" or "period"... I think. (I mean to some extent there could be an underlying force from a past lifetime if I care to indulge in that line of thinking, but let's try to keep it "simple". Hah.)

Running with the garbage-suspended-in-space metaphor... it isn't very surprising to find myself in this state. My previous influence for change really strongly took hold of my life, and in many ways controlled my trajectory for quite a while. I even believe there was a time when I was actually useful and wonderful- not garbage- but at some point a dark shadow consumed us... maybe we just got lazy and over-indulged.

I think he meant well- and I would say that at some point he really loved me- we loved each other. He gave me reasons to improve and even indicated clear paths to follow to go in the direction he wanted. I could follow the path and make him happy, and we could enjoy some sustainable peace in our own rose-colored world.

But at some strange pendulum-like interval I would come to a point where I saw the path clearly ahead...and felt compelled to take a step off it. To me, it really felt like such a small step. But just like that there would come the force of his influence most heavily, like a mallet hitting a rubber ball, and I would follow the path more devotedly and energetically until the next lull in the oscillation.

It seems so clear now that I was on some kind of string, swinging there, floating around in a world of his design.

I mean, I can honestly say it is the one time I felt a kind of peace- where I could stop where I was and realize that I was happy. Of course it was not always sunshine and roses...but I don't feel like I took him or our happiness for granted- although I suspect he will feel that way.

I feel like I gave it my all- truly- and that I followed the path he set for us to reach our own shared dream as faithfully as I could... but there were some huge steps in the nearby future that I am either afraid or outright unwilling to take...and there was a perfectly timed lull in the pendulum swing of my love, so that I would step off the path and the hammer would hit me further out rather than back into our world.

At that time, I felt my own heart break, maybe even in a petty way, and I realized I was slowing down to a complete stop in the middle of outerspace- caught in the void once more.


You can't quantify love, can you? If you could, I would say that I loved as much as I could, but perhaps it was not enough...



So here I am... floating aimlessly... and I see some kind of light.

I mean, who am I to call it a light, it could be another hammer. It could be a black hole. I don't know what it is. I don't know where I am about to go- who I am about to become.

I just feel like I see something in someone, something that I have seen before and that was previously a beacon or harbinger of change.

It seems really strange, especially to encounter this so many times in my life... but have you ever met someone whose face seemed to contain the familiarity of many other faces?
Have you ever met someone who gave you a mysterious ephemeral impression of another time, or person...and felt that they were some otherworldly force come to usher you into a new age?

That last part probably sounds absurd. I feel like it is absurd to call a living person an angel. Or to see something otherworldly in someone who is so clearly a mortal fallible human being like myself.

But I have met this small handful of people who give me exactly that impression. They remind me of many people- always pleasantly- and give me some inexplicable feeling of freedom and liberation.

Here I am- a piece of trash floating in space, discarded- and along comes an angel who smells like childhood and evokes a laugh from deep within my soul. Someone who reminds me of many other people while still remaining uniquely themself.

Please, for a moment, don't assume anything about these people or my life. Don't assume I will go anywhere, not someplace better and not someplace worse. Don't assume I am about to change or make a huge decision that could impact my life. Don't assume I am going to go anywhere or do anything.

Just trust me... that as I float here in the wide empty expanse of space... I am standing right where I need to be.

Try to believe in me... that I have made every deliberate choice I could have made that could bring me to the exact moment and place that I need to be.

Maybe you could pray for me... that I am about open my eyes and while looking into space I will also take a good look deep into myself and see myself exactly as I am... and that I might be able to envision and realize the person that I need to be, just to be happy.

For a moment... an almost painfully empty moment... just let me be.