A Clear Pool

I think it must be impossible to express, this feeling of "being". Realizing I have been striving for this all along, as an artist and as a human being, I feel like I've merely realized the impossibility of the completion of my decided life's purpose. However, I have also realized that being understood in parts and pieces, by individuals that I have let into the depths of my soul, may be possible. I have been shown by a loving and beautiful angel. But there is still that...that blaring fear "what if I'm insane" is a constant call shuttling incessantly from the back to the foreground of my mind. I find it spilling over my lips before I speak of anything from within myself. But the ideas and images flowing in an infinite river of thought, my subconscious and conscious minds melding increasingly indistinct from one another, are slowly making their way into the world. I have been trying for so long to stop them, then to perhaps slowly filter them. ...

Everything has it’s polar opposite. Opposition, remember? Imagine a split heart, wanting things so different, and too jumbled to attract two things at once. So, you get one extreme and another extreme’s opposite, never both. Security and Diversity Romantic and Plantonic Grounded and Transcendent Creative and Analytical Familiarity and New Experiences Company and Privacy Prosperity and Challenge Intimate and Intellectual Inspiration and Determination Me and Me It isn’t that I want opposite elements or that I cannot make up my mind, because to me these are not really opposites. They often exist separately for me, though. I feel them opposing each other in my mind, but I believe they can all coexist (some of them more cleanly than others). If I visualize it, I can make anything happen. My soul can expand to fill every short-coming and pitfall in my personality and heal every blemish and lesion inflicted upon my often down-trodden spirit. Often I prize reali...

Paranoia has plagued my waking moments this day. In conversation, I would compulsively look around as if being watched. I felt that some presence nearby intended me harm, and that I must surround myself with acquaintances as a defense. If felt odd, smiling at them like that. It served as an attempt to mask my true thoughts and feelings, detaching my demeanor from my inner self. Was I really intending to appear so jovial, or am I just somehow manipulative? For something as trivial as my temporary paranoia, I would coerce the people around me to speak to me and accompany me. Like many of the others I draw to myself, they remind me of people from my past. In my mind I could connect them logically, her blond hair reminds me of my first friend in a new place or his intonation reminds me of an old lover. I took from their presence a sense of security against an imagined foe. I drew from their traits fragments of memories from a time when I felt safe and happy. I casually beckoned, woul...

Sitting on the floor upon a blanket lit up by a single candle are the Tarot cards I pulled. I read and reread the meanings, and write down a vague interpretation to answer my question. "What will happen now?" I feel like it's pretty straight forward. Know your friends, attempt to understand them... but in the center is a card titled "Danger of Loss". What does it mean? Everything about the reading seems to be centered around someone I care deeply about, someone I feel very emotional toward. I wonder, "Does this mean I will lose that person?" The card isn't placed in the future though, it's very clearly in the center. It's very clearly in the position of the present, of "me". Even reading interpretations I can't think of anything. I lay down to sleep with the thought, "should I just ignore it and leave it be?" In the night I toss and turn... Your face comes to me clearer and clearer, and I direct all the que...