Out of Touch
Paranoia has plagued my waking moments this day.
In conversation, I would compulsively look around as if being watched. I felt that some presence nearby intended me harm, and that I must surround myself with acquaintances as a defense. If felt odd, smiling at them like that. It served as an attempt to mask my true thoughts and feelings, detaching my demeanor from my inner self. Was I really intending to appear so jovial, or am I just somehow manipulative?
For something as trivial as my temporary paranoia, I would coerce the people around me to speak to me and accompany me.
Like many of the others I draw to myself, they remind me of people from my past. In my mind I could connect them logically, her blond hair reminds me of my first friend in a new place or his intonation reminds me of an old lover. I took from their presence a sense of security against an imagined foe. I drew from their traits fragments of memories from a time when I felt safe and happy. I casually beckoned, would you come along by my side for a little longer? ...not because of who you are, but because of what I choose to perceive of you... Does this make me manipulative?
In those moments, I justified their company: This is just a pleasant acquaintance, so I can offer up the possibility of a closer relationship in exchange for satiating my unsettled temperament.
Are insecurities a good enough reason to bridge the separation of persons?
Is loneliness a justified reason to make friends?
Is fear a justified reason to seek solace in another?
I once believed that any reason given to oneself serves as a form of justification. If you can find one reason to do something, the act is justified. Now, I'm not so sure. One reason is not enough to weigh the economy of a decision. What consequences am I risking?
Looking at all these faces, some of them new to my routine and barely known to me while others are long-time friends of great value and understanding to me, I feel that I am somehow detached from them.
The sense of myself, my feelings and ideas of a "true, inner me" are so separated...
Of course, most people would separate portions of themselves from conversation or cautiously approach new relationships, but this seems somehow different. It seems as if I am unaffected by my own actions and the people around me... even as I give them a hug, it feels almost unreal, as if the sensations experienced by my body are somehow detached from what is in essence "myself".
I walk the ground with my feet, move things with my hands, and even go so far as to touch a life... but I feel somehow unaware and numb to the degree of such actions. I do not know what impression I am leaving upon the world... because I feel that I am somehow not a part of it.
In conversation, I would compulsively look around as if being watched. I felt that some presence nearby intended me harm, and that I must surround myself with acquaintances as a defense. If felt odd, smiling at them like that. It served as an attempt to mask my true thoughts and feelings, detaching my demeanor from my inner self. Was I really intending to appear so jovial, or am I just somehow manipulative?
For something as trivial as my temporary paranoia, I would coerce the people around me to speak to me and accompany me.
Like many of the others I draw to myself, they remind me of people from my past. In my mind I could connect them logically, her blond hair reminds me of my first friend in a new place or his intonation reminds me of an old lover. I took from their presence a sense of security against an imagined foe. I drew from their traits fragments of memories from a time when I felt safe and happy. I casually beckoned, would you come along by my side for a little longer? ...not because of who you are, but because of what I choose to perceive of you... Does this make me manipulative?
In those moments, I justified their company: This is just a pleasant acquaintance, so I can offer up the possibility of a closer relationship in exchange for satiating my unsettled temperament.
Are insecurities a good enough reason to bridge the separation of persons?
Is loneliness a justified reason to make friends?
Is fear a justified reason to seek solace in another?
I once believed that any reason given to oneself serves as a form of justification. If you can find one reason to do something, the act is justified. Now, I'm not so sure. One reason is not enough to weigh the economy of a decision. What consequences am I risking?
Looking at all these faces, some of them new to my routine and barely known to me while others are long-time friends of great value and understanding to me, I feel that I am somehow detached from them.
The sense of myself, my feelings and ideas of a "true, inner me" are so separated...
Of course, most people would separate portions of themselves from conversation or cautiously approach new relationships, but this seems somehow different. It seems as if I am unaffected by my own actions and the people around me... even as I give them a hug, it feels almost unreal, as if the sensations experienced by my body are somehow detached from what is in essence "myself".
I walk the ground with my feet, move things with my hands, and even go so far as to touch a life... but I feel somehow unaware and numb to the degree of such actions. I do not know what impression I am leaving upon the world... because I feel that I am somehow not a part of it.
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