Dear Friend
My emotions have been so out of control lately. At times I wanted to hit something, at times I would cry, at times I would want to just run away. Sometimes I wanted to run into someone's (almost anyone's) arms. It all seems so stupid.
I am being stupid.
I keep repeating it. I knew I was being stupid. I didn't know exactly why...
...today, I understood a little more.
It wasn't because I had feelings for you. Someone whom I could see so many flaws and imperfections inside and out. And it wasn't because I had overlooked those things, to see a beautiful heart and soul, only to be betrayed by my own vision...
I was holding onto memories, ones that made me feel genuinely loved, that were mine alone. The happy words and small caring gestures may have been real, and it's okay for me to remember them. The part that makes this stupid, is that I hoped they would return. Knowing I was the only one who remembered, I foolishly thought maybe one day they could suddenly be remembered and cherished by you too. I foolishly thought one day they may cease to be memory and become reality.
It would be nice to forget these feelings. A touch or a glance from you would no longer stir my heart, and I would be free from my emotions. But I don't want to run away from myself. I want to accept all parts of myself, even the ones that cause me to be vulnerable and sensitive.
For that reason, I came to question "why". Why did I have to meet you? Why did I lose control of myself and my emotions? Why did I love you? Why did I think I loved you? Why did this happen, and why did I get hurt?
I know one good reason why.
Once again, I was meant to learn something important. The most important lessons usually bear the most into my consciousness. They are usually connected to my heart through some pain. To fully learn, I knew I would have to overcome this pain and sorrow. I would have to accept my desires, and yet suffer to see them unfulfilled (at this time)... because that's part of learning the lesson.
That raging jealousy, often I would fight it. It was never a full state, but frequently a creeping emotion... escalating to small battles within myself. Why did I get so angry, so jealous? What did I have to be jealous of...
...that's something I liked about you. Unmatchable skill, exceptional beauty, a successful and happy life, they were not yours. I had nothing on the surface to be jealous of. For this reason, the truth stood out so clearly to me. I was jealous of what you had, not what you are and what you have. You were able to allow yourself to get caught up in an emotion...in a moment. You were able to, for a time, feel a mutual bond and sense of love with another person. You had memories to cling to, even if they ultimately hindered you from evolving. Such reckless abandon and free emotion, feeling as though you had shared yourself with someone, feeling as if they knew you... I was jealous.
And so, I learned of something I wanted. You showed me, in a weird way, something my heart truly yearns for:
A shared, mutual love.
With this realization, I experienced yet another pain striking my heart. An emptiness, that tore from the inside out. I had made a special place for you in my heart, and to think I meant nothing to you created this hole. Bursting into tears, I felt lonely and unloved. It wasn't your fault that I felt this way, as much as I would have liked to give responsibility away and blame it on you... I knew it was my own doing. I created something that did not belong... a desire for you... I was stupid. I thought, that because you had taught me so much about myself and shown me this deep desire (for a love that was equally returned), you might be someone that could give me what I wanted. Once again, I drifted into the memories of moments when you had made me feel happy. But if that were the case, then why were things this way instead? If you were capable of returning my feelings, then why is it now you do not? It was your choice, and I knew I had to respect that.
For that reason, I know that I really must let you go. Whatever closure I need, I have to get it, so I may let these feelings Rest In Peace. It's only fair to you.
So the harder part of the lesson was understanding that, just because you showed me what I desire, I can not ask you to give it to me. Perhaps, instead, I must give it to you.
Really, I have to thank you. Without even realizing it, my heart had opened so much. Though not nearly enough to really let someone else in, it became so much more open to possibilities... and took me so much further on my journey in creating my own happiness. There may be many things I do not like about all this (about you), but from gratitude alone I know I love you. I love you in your own special way. The grave that I had dug within my own heart has been filled with something much better than I had expected... it seems I have planted seeds there, which have the potential to turn into something more beautiful than I can imagine at this time. It may take a lifetime for them to grow, I may forget where they came from, but even then there will still be that place in my heart.
Now I know we can both be free. I know that a large portion of what may happen to us now is in my hands...and I have the choice of what I will do with it. For now, I simply want the truth. I want to know if there was even a brief moment that you returned the smallest fraction of my love for you. I want to know if you will remember me at all, if we become distant and go our separate ways... a part of me wishes for at least a kiss good bye.
I know that my secret wish from everyone I give a piece of my heart to is that I might be someone unique and different in their mind, something special. Not necessarily someone terribly important... but at least someone memorable... someone unforgettable... a pleasant memory of someone who was, in many ways, unlike anyone else you have ever met. In that small way, we would be exactly what I had hoped for... we would have the same regard, the same feeling, for each other... undefinable, except perhaps by that single significant word: Friend.
I am being stupid.
I keep repeating it. I knew I was being stupid. I didn't know exactly why...
...today, I understood a little more.
It wasn't because I had feelings for you. Someone whom I could see so many flaws and imperfections inside and out. And it wasn't because I had overlooked those things, to see a beautiful heart and soul, only to be betrayed by my own vision...
I was holding onto memories, ones that made me feel genuinely loved, that were mine alone. The happy words and small caring gestures may have been real, and it's okay for me to remember them. The part that makes this stupid, is that I hoped they would return. Knowing I was the only one who remembered, I foolishly thought maybe one day they could suddenly be remembered and cherished by you too. I foolishly thought one day they may cease to be memory and become reality.
It would be nice to forget these feelings. A touch or a glance from you would no longer stir my heart, and I would be free from my emotions. But I don't want to run away from myself. I want to accept all parts of myself, even the ones that cause me to be vulnerable and sensitive.
For that reason, I came to question "why". Why did I have to meet you? Why did I lose control of myself and my emotions? Why did I love you? Why did I think I loved you? Why did this happen, and why did I get hurt?
I know one good reason why.
Once again, I was meant to learn something important. The most important lessons usually bear the most into my consciousness. They are usually connected to my heart through some pain. To fully learn, I knew I would have to overcome this pain and sorrow. I would have to accept my desires, and yet suffer to see them unfulfilled (at this time)... because that's part of learning the lesson.
That raging jealousy, often I would fight it. It was never a full state, but frequently a creeping emotion... escalating to small battles within myself. Why did I get so angry, so jealous? What did I have to be jealous of...
...that's something I liked about you. Unmatchable skill, exceptional beauty, a successful and happy life, they were not yours. I had nothing on the surface to be jealous of. For this reason, the truth stood out so clearly to me. I was jealous of what you had, not what you are and what you have. You were able to allow yourself to get caught up in an emotion...in a moment. You were able to, for a time, feel a mutual bond and sense of love with another person. You had memories to cling to, even if they ultimately hindered you from evolving. Such reckless abandon and free emotion, feeling as though you had shared yourself with someone, feeling as if they knew you... I was jealous.
And so, I learned of something I wanted. You showed me, in a weird way, something my heart truly yearns for:
A shared, mutual love.
With this realization, I experienced yet another pain striking my heart. An emptiness, that tore from the inside out. I had made a special place for you in my heart, and to think I meant nothing to you created this hole. Bursting into tears, I felt lonely and unloved. It wasn't your fault that I felt this way, as much as I would have liked to give responsibility away and blame it on you... I knew it was my own doing. I created something that did not belong... a desire for you... I was stupid. I thought, that because you had taught me so much about myself and shown me this deep desire (for a love that was equally returned), you might be someone that could give me what I wanted. Once again, I drifted into the memories of moments when you had made me feel happy. But if that were the case, then why were things this way instead? If you were capable of returning my feelings, then why is it now you do not? It was your choice, and I knew I had to respect that.
For that reason, I know that I really must let you go. Whatever closure I need, I have to get it, so I may let these feelings Rest In Peace. It's only fair to you.
So the harder part of the lesson was understanding that, just because you showed me what I desire, I can not ask you to give it to me. Perhaps, instead, I must give it to you.
Really, I have to thank you. Without even realizing it, my heart had opened so much. Though not nearly enough to really let someone else in, it became so much more open to possibilities... and took me so much further on my journey in creating my own happiness. There may be many things I do not like about all this (about you), but from gratitude alone I know I love you. I love you in your own special way. The grave that I had dug within my own heart has been filled with something much better than I had expected... it seems I have planted seeds there, which have the potential to turn into something more beautiful than I can imagine at this time. It may take a lifetime for them to grow, I may forget where they came from, but even then there will still be that place in my heart.
Now I know we can both be free. I know that a large portion of what may happen to us now is in my hands...and I have the choice of what I will do with it. For now, I simply want the truth. I want to know if there was even a brief moment that you returned the smallest fraction of my love for you. I want to know if you will remember me at all, if we become distant and go our separate ways... a part of me wishes for at least a kiss good bye.
I know that my secret wish from everyone I give a piece of my heart to is that I might be someone unique and different in their mind, something special. Not necessarily someone terribly important... but at least someone memorable... someone unforgettable... a pleasant memory of someone who was, in many ways, unlike anyone else you have ever met. In that small way, we would be exactly what I had hoped for... we would have the same regard, the same feeling, for each other... undefinable, except perhaps by that single significant word: Friend.
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