Recalling

There was something there, I knew I needed to see. I went to see what I wanted, but I left feeling like I saw what I needed.

It was a scary parallel. A dream within a dream within a movie of my existence.

I thought the message was loud and clear, and I had to ask... "Is this what you're doing here? Are you trying to make me realize that I make myself into who I am?" I see what you did there.

It's not that I need to take the drug and live the dream, or remember the dream outside the dream... but I choose which life I want to live, ultimately. I can admit to being the dreamer or just live. Are you the one who is there to remind me what it means to just live?

At first, I thought I needed that too. I was living a lie instead of a dream, instead of a life I chose to live a drama. Then, one day everything just became real. Everything was always real, but the perspective is often that it is not so. Nothing is just on the surface, but every level does not have to be so complicated, and we choose which levels we value. I needed all that.

So what now?

Am I being pushed to make that change? Did I know myself well enough to know that some part of me will always question "what more" and "why"? Did I know all that and plan accordingly, leaving little notes and traces of what I was and what I could be?

For every choice he had to make, someone had to die... why was that?

Am I just the same? Is it fate's curse that I will end all my selves to begin myself? Does everyone face this terrible cycle? If they do, is it necessarily all the time for everyone, or do we take turns? This time you'll push me and next time I'll push you. This time you must kill me, and next time I know I'll have to kill you.

I certainly hope not.

In any case... if I really got the message, then it is just the same as before. If you ask a question, be prepared for an answer...

Is the answer, "Yes, you got it!" ?

I don't know what I want again. I don't know if I ever do. That's not a curse, that's just a personality flaw.

I may not remember completely who I was... but I want to know who I am. Maybe the next question is not "who am I?" but "who will I be?"

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