More of this Madness
What does it feel like to die? Does it hurt?
They took ink and needle to my skin once, and I thought the whole time: Please let this hurt, I always want to remember how this feels. And maybe, if it hurts beyond belief, I will do it again and again.
And it surprised me.
"Did it hurt?" They asked me. I really didn't know what to say.
I wanted it to hurt. So my anticipation was nowhere near the reality How could I say that to people?
How could I just tell the truth... why did I tell the truth?
You have five people to protect, I told her. You can burn the rest of the world for all I care, but watch over them for me. I closed my eyes and she nodded.
So what does it feel like?
I thought it was going to be unbelievable. Maybe, I still hope it will be.
Thumb on my back, crick in my neck, tension in my hands and feet. General loss of balance. Feeling of weightlessness and shaking heaviness at the same time. Everything is blurry, I can't see anything even though I'm walking normally.
Energetically it feels like pulling. Pulling out my nerves...pulling out my veins... pulling and pulling until I feel no more... maybe I'm exaggerating.
Opening my eyes, everything looked like a rainbow patterning, like a flower of life continuously consumed by some unknown force. Moving in my line of sight, everywhere and nowhere. The birds are not birds and the lights are birds. I closed my eyes and stillness.
This doesn't hurt. What else, you got?
My lips pressed against a ceramic cup. Foaming milk. I close my eyes and imagine breaking it, throwing it off the balcony, or smashing it against the ground.
"No, no," I whisper to myself, "We can't pay for that either."
How can I make it $2? Should I feel disgusted? I can't even make 2$!
Mine isn't there. Was it that bad? Is this happening again? Show the best of the sub-par and not the sub-par of the best, eh? Or am I really just that bad. I should have expected this. I did it last minute. Why am I so stupid, so emotional?
Then I saw my friend. I could have easily walked out to him. But I got scared suddenly and turned around. Walked away quickly. I don't know what happened. I got that feeling again. I. Don't. Know. Why. He keeps reminding me of that person. No, no, no, he's not like that. Something's wrong with me. But, I don't want to be naive like that again. Maybe I can trust you, but I'm not going to be like that again. I can't love you.
I was looking at all the humans. I want to say "I hate all of you, you're disgusting." But I know I'm the one. Why am I wallowing in self-loathing, I haven't done this in such a long time, it's sick.
I thought about my father. I felt so sick. All this time he was the only one who tried to get it right, but all he could do was apologize for what he had done. Apologize half-heartedly saying, "See, now I really do love you unconditionally." And the next minute, "If you weren't my daughter I know I would want to kill you. But I wouldn't do that, hah, no don't worry, I would never do that." You already did.
Where do phoenixes rise if they have no ashes? They burn over and over again, always to rise, but always to be ash again. If I want to be beautiful like that, must I burn too? Haven't I already, time and time again... cycling through this life and the next and the next. Not always prettier, but certainly wiser.
I'm huffing. Breathing. I looked around, how did it get so dark? Remembering all that happened, I sighed. That weight and sadness still a stone in my belly. I looked at the stars and started crying, "I know that's not all you've got. I've felt worse."
In the mirror, I saw something strange. I touched my face, still there.
Maybe some day...I will forget you, too.
They took ink and needle to my skin once, and I thought the whole time: Please let this hurt, I always want to remember how this feels. And maybe, if it hurts beyond belief, I will do it again and again.
And it surprised me.
"Did it hurt?" They asked me. I really didn't know what to say.
I wanted it to hurt. So my anticipation was nowhere near the reality How could I say that to people?
How could I just tell the truth... why did I tell the truth?
You have five people to protect, I told her. You can burn the rest of the world for all I care, but watch over them for me. I closed my eyes and she nodded.
So what does it feel like?
I thought it was going to be unbelievable. Maybe, I still hope it will be.
Thumb on my back, crick in my neck, tension in my hands and feet. General loss of balance. Feeling of weightlessness and shaking heaviness at the same time. Everything is blurry, I can't see anything even though I'm walking normally.
Energetically it feels like pulling. Pulling out my nerves...pulling out my veins... pulling and pulling until I feel no more... maybe I'm exaggerating.
Opening my eyes, everything looked like a rainbow patterning, like a flower of life continuously consumed by some unknown force. Moving in my line of sight, everywhere and nowhere. The birds are not birds and the lights are birds. I closed my eyes and stillness.
This doesn't hurt. What else, you got?
My lips pressed against a ceramic cup. Foaming milk. I close my eyes and imagine breaking it, throwing it off the balcony, or smashing it against the ground.
"No, no," I whisper to myself, "We can't pay for that either."
How can I make it $2? Should I feel disgusted? I can't even make 2$!
Mine isn't there. Was it that bad? Is this happening again? Show the best of the sub-par and not the sub-par of the best, eh? Or am I really just that bad. I should have expected this. I did it last minute. Why am I so stupid, so emotional?
Then I saw my friend. I could have easily walked out to him. But I got scared suddenly and turned around. Walked away quickly. I don't know what happened. I got that feeling again. I. Don't. Know. Why. He keeps reminding me of that person. No, no, no, he's not like that. Something's wrong with me. But, I don't want to be naive like that again. Maybe I can trust you, but I'm not going to be like that again. I can't love you.
I was looking at all the humans. I want to say "I hate all of you, you're disgusting." But I know I'm the one. Why am I wallowing in self-loathing, I haven't done this in such a long time, it's sick.
I thought about my father. I felt so sick. All this time he was the only one who tried to get it right, but all he could do was apologize for what he had done. Apologize half-heartedly saying, "See, now I really do love you unconditionally." And the next minute, "If you weren't my daughter I know I would want to kill you. But I wouldn't do that, hah, no don't worry, I would never do that." You already did.
Where do phoenixes rise if they have no ashes? They burn over and over again, always to rise, but always to be ash again. If I want to be beautiful like that, must I burn too? Haven't I already, time and time again... cycling through this life and the next and the next. Not always prettier, but certainly wiser.
I'm huffing. Breathing. I looked around, how did it get so dark? Remembering all that happened, I sighed. That weight and sadness still a stone in my belly. I looked at the stars and started crying, "I know that's not all you've got. I've felt worse."
In the mirror, I saw something strange. I touched my face, still there.
Maybe some day...I will forget you, too.
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