I'll let you in

I've become more aware of my apathy toward my own life.

There is a voice in my head, sometimes, and I don't know what voice it is...as I let things happen, or I let people get closer to me, the voice says, "How could you do this to me?"

It's the saddest voice I know. It rings in my head and in my bones, and makes my heart ache. The voice resembles that of a child's and comes from some place deep inside myself.

I wonder, is it my heart, or my head?

I tend to push it to the side and ignore the voice.

I go off with harmless strangers, the ones whose intent is not malicious. They are the strangers who have subconsciously realized that I am more than the other humans. Maybe it's because they realize it, but some of them try to come back. I'll have met them once or twice and they will say, "I miss you," or "there was just something about you". My heart feels no strong connection to these people, but I let them in anyways. Because I don't care, as long as they don't hurt me.

When I go with these people, and let them in, they have very different interests from me. They may like hurting people, or stealing things, or harming themselves, and I don't want to do those things...but watching them makes me feel detached. I don't stop those things from happening, because I don't feel attached to this world, but the more I watch them happen and listen to the stories of these strangers, the less human I feel.

I like to try to fall asleep beside people I don't know.

It's really difficult to make my heart rest when it feels estranged from its surroundings, but I tell it, "it's okay, there is no harmful intent from this person, so its okay. Just learn from it"...then my heart falls asleep.

I had a dream that the chest my small hands laid upon and the breathing in my ear, were of a soulmate. I had a dream that the arm around my waist was that of someone I could give my heart to.
I woke up and did not recognize the face.
I woke up and did not trust myself anymore.
And a small voice from deep within cried in agony, "OH! How could you DO this to ME?"

I really want to protect my heart, but I also want to follow it. I want to let it run free...so I do everything on a whim. I let strangers in on a whim.

What if they are someone I need to meet?
What if they will teach me something?

I do these things because I want to live by my heart...but how do I know what my heart wants to do, and how do I know what is just reckless?

At those times, when I do things that make the voice cry, I don't know what's right and wrong.

Because I feel nothing.

I want to grow and do wonderful things. I don't want to pass life by. I want to make friends and love.
But I don't love the people I am letting in.

What am I doing to myself? Am I still going in the right direction...

You told me everything would be okay, but everything is unclear and painful...

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?