Tolerance
Someone recently expressed their surprise at my tolerance for unfavorable situations. That person may or may not have meant it when they said they were a little envious of how tolerant I can be. Maybe to some extent tolerance and open-mindedness became the same thing to me over time.
But if changes to your personality are things that you can feel surfacing from deep inside your guts, then this is something that is changing about me.
When she said that, I felt a little flattered, because it took a lot of work and pain to become like this. I thought that it was a kind of earned trait, something I worked hard for. But I told her that I envy her personality just as much... because this kind of tolerance is something that continuously causes suffering in my life. There is a quote that says:
Pain is inevitable; Suffering is optional.
I've realized from a young age, maybe I was born knowing, that pain is something that can not be avoided. If you fall, it hurts... that's just a fact. But suffering was what I learned when I didn't fall down and it still hurt. I didn't fall down or bleed or bruise and things hurt so much that I almost wished there was such a thing so I could have proof. That was when I started to learn tolerance. Because I was taught by my parents that you shouldn't cry out if there isn't blood.
They will probably deny that, but they deny a lot of things.
But it's not their fault. The reason that kind of pain became suffering, is because I thought it was something I had to keep inside. I thought I shouldn't tell my parents about that kind of thing. I didn't want to burden them, and I knew they couldn't really do anything about it. I kept my mouth shut and tried to endure through it.
And I did. I got through it. I survived. But along with that "victory" there was also quite a cost.
Sure, I became a very tolerant and easy-going adult. I can find some comfort or light in any situation, just because that was the way I had to live as I grew up. Now the problem is that I have lost some distinction between things that are inevitable and things that are avoidable.
At what point do I have a choice about the pain I have to endure? This is the question that I am struggling with these days, and the answer is coming from deep inside my guts. It feels like some kind of toxic bile that is just going to over flow and spill out some day. I think, if I can't learn how to say "no" at the right times, then I will probably end up somewhere as someone I never wanted to become.
Is that fate? Is that unavoidable pain? Do I have to be someone that I don't want to be? Funny enough, I think there are times when people need to do that. But maybe the only way we can find the line between pain and suffering is to be a little "selfish", to consciously choose who it is we wish to be.
It's pretty well known that in Buddhism the concept of suffering is usually attributed to desire. In order to eliminate suffering, you must sever yourself from Earthly desires. In a way, you have to remake yourself into a tolerant being.
I thought that was the way to find peace... and maybe it was at some time. But right now I am questioning what desires are actually necessary to be the person I want to be. I'd like to think that I could deny myself and my desires to become an enlightened being, but I'm so confused and lost about who it really is that I'd be denying.
It's a common question, "Who am I?"
I don't know if I'll ever really know the answe to that, but if I ever decided to strive for "enlightenment" then perhaps I should do so from a place that I can move forward from with no regrets. Being "tolerant" or "openminded", or at least striving to be so, has actually left me with so much regret. And those regrets are the hardest things to let go of. I want to find out what choices I can make to be someone without those feelings.
Hah, I am not a very intelligent person afterall. I always thought that I was. But it turns out that I am really bad at the simplest of things.
But if changes to your personality are things that you can feel surfacing from deep inside your guts, then this is something that is changing about me.
When she said that, I felt a little flattered, because it took a lot of work and pain to become like this. I thought that it was a kind of earned trait, something I worked hard for. But I told her that I envy her personality just as much... because this kind of tolerance is something that continuously causes suffering in my life. There is a quote that says:
Pain is inevitable; Suffering is optional.
I've realized from a young age, maybe I was born knowing, that pain is something that can not be avoided. If you fall, it hurts... that's just a fact. But suffering was what I learned when I didn't fall down and it still hurt. I didn't fall down or bleed or bruise and things hurt so much that I almost wished there was such a thing so I could have proof. That was when I started to learn tolerance. Because I was taught by my parents that you shouldn't cry out if there isn't blood.
They will probably deny that, but they deny a lot of things.
But it's not their fault. The reason that kind of pain became suffering, is because I thought it was something I had to keep inside. I thought I shouldn't tell my parents about that kind of thing. I didn't want to burden them, and I knew they couldn't really do anything about it. I kept my mouth shut and tried to endure through it.
And I did. I got through it. I survived. But along with that "victory" there was also quite a cost.
Sure, I became a very tolerant and easy-going adult. I can find some comfort or light in any situation, just because that was the way I had to live as I grew up. Now the problem is that I have lost some distinction between things that are inevitable and things that are avoidable.
At what point do I have a choice about the pain I have to endure? This is the question that I am struggling with these days, and the answer is coming from deep inside my guts. It feels like some kind of toxic bile that is just going to over flow and spill out some day. I think, if I can't learn how to say "no" at the right times, then I will probably end up somewhere as someone I never wanted to become.
Is that fate? Is that unavoidable pain? Do I have to be someone that I don't want to be? Funny enough, I think there are times when people need to do that. But maybe the only way we can find the line between pain and suffering is to be a little "selfish", to consciously choose who it is we wish to be.
It's pretty well known that in Buddhism the concept of suffering is usually attributed to desire. In order to eliminate suffering, you must sever yourself from Earthly desires. In a way, you have to remake yourself into a tolerant being.
I thought that was the way to find peace... and maybe it was at some time. But right now I am questioning what desires are actually necessary to be the person I want to be. I'd like to think that I could deny myself and my desires to become an enlightened being, but I'm so confused and lost about who it really is that I'd be denying.
It's a common question, "Who am I?"
I don't know if I'll ever really know the answe to that, but if I ever decided to strive for "enlightenment" then perhaps I should do so from a place that I can move forward from with no regrets. Being "tolerant" or "openminded", or at least striving to be so, has actually left me with so much regret. And those regrets are the hardest things to let go of. I want to find out what choices I can make to be someone without those feelings.
Hah, I am not a very intelligent person afterall. I always thought that I was. But it turns out that I am really bad at the simplest of things.
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