Ghost

Sometimes I wish I could disappear. It's strange that I feel that way at times when I am technically unseen. To disappear one would have to be seen, right? Maybe more than disappear I just want to fade. It's not that I wish to be seen by others and then become invisible. Other people are not really the problem.

Fade seems like a more accurate term. Perhaps the idea of something solid withering away into nothing is more like the wish that I have at a time like this. I smell the incense burning and it makes me feel introspective. That inward gaze is the thing that I wish to be invisible to. I wish I could live my life without really looking at myself.

I am envious that other people can forget and get away from me, when I am so inseparable from myself.

To other people I can come in and out of their lives at any time, separating and rejoining with their company, off and on. But when I am alone, technically unseen, the only thing I have to look at it myself. That can be a kind of misery.

The feeling I am wishing for is a kind of blindness to myself.

It's not that I want to be around others, because even at those times it seems like all I do is talk about myself or observe them from my own perspective. Even surrounded by other people I can feel alone, and therefore stuck inside this body and mind.

I guess I wish I could just be unaware of myself. I worked pretty hard to be more and more self-aware and sometimes it gets so tiring that I wish I could just live without thinking. My memories would be more like phantoms than they are, less haunting. Instead of being haunted by the ghosts of my various selves and states, I could just sit here and "be". I wish I could just live like that- not thinking about myself like this.

...but I know that whenever I do that, I end up messing things up worse. If I try to live without thinking inwardly, things just become more painful when I inevitably return to my natural state of loneliness... when I return to a place where it is just me, myself.

So what I really mean is- I just don't want to be "me" anymore. I want to fade... not just from my own thoughts but from existence.

It's not even that I want to die. Because no one can know what happens if we die. At times like this it is actually the saddest and most painful thing to think that there is life after death. If I could know with certainty that there was nothing, I might be more willing to die. But wishing that there is nothing after we die is a bit too cruel, because I know some really good people who deserve more than that.

Haha, well do any of us really deserve anything? I sort of think that nothing is owed to us by nature. No matter how nice or good you are, the universe doesn't owe you anything.

I really want to think that I owe any and everyone nothing as well... but that is not really true either. I owe a lot to someone, and it might as well be God. I am just also flawed and rebellious enough to not pay that debt in ways that the masses want me to. Whenever I meet one of my people, I realize that I am not meant to follow the heard... although they say nice things about debts being paid.

Anyways the bottom line is that as much as I want to disappear and fade from this world, I am stuck here until I die. And when I do, I really hope I don't have to live again- I hope I can be just nothing, not even a ghost.