First Steps

It seemed like I was doing the right thing...

...but now it seems like right and wrong are merely illusions. They are merely justification for action.

But I am not trying to justify myself right now. My feelings are not something I can justify.

I used to think I was so good with words. But I realized that when it comes to translating my feelings into words, my skill is very poor. The phrase I keep spouting out thoughtlessly, "I don't know".

But its not the truth. If I really didn't know, then it would be like I felt nothing. Perhaps I don't know how to name it... but I know the name of this one. I know it, I am just scared to utter it.

I have said it without meaning for far too long. And words without meaning... I realized...are just cruel.

I realized that I had been saying what seemed like the right thing to say, but the only right thing to say is the truth, right? Easier said than actually said...

If I say something, do I have to take responsibility for those words? Have I done so?

No, I have been living much too recklessly.

Choosing the right words should be a careful and deliberate process. I have been throwing words out into the world much too recklessly. I have been naming my feelings too half-heartedly... now that's really foolish.

If I say it to you, I realized I ruined it by telling it so many times without meaning... I realized that my recklessness has ruined much more than I had understood.

The actions I had somehow justified into propriety, can also just be wrong.

Can I take back everything and start new? These next words can be the first words I've ever spoken, and this next feeling can be the purest emotion... these next actions are my first steps... what a fool I am to always wish for the impossible. But if you will believe in me, I can do anything. I really feel like that right now.

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