The Word Friend
That dreaded word again, Reality. I had been briskly walking ahead of it for some time, and it caught up to me again. Or I lingered long enough for it to match my pace. It's not like I was running away, but I was aware that it had been following me- and my thoughts were always going back to its presence. I was trying to think of how to approach it all this time, but today I decided to just casually stride beside it for once.
The conversation was not brief, and by no means shallow. But we had a good chat for once. Usually I think I am too defensive, not very reasonable. But after watching some TV show, we had something to start with, so I decided to stick around long enough to explore a broader discussion.
"You know, you can't live in a dream forever-"
-is not something I have to worry about hearing from my friend, Reality. I guess we both understand that I am aware of this. And he knows that I hear it all the time from our mutual acquaintances.
So the conversation was more light. And I was proud of myself that I did not get overly emotional. But we were recalling memories together, and we could laugh at times, "Wow, you really thought differently back then." And this time I was grateful that he had the tact not to throw it in my face, "I told you the whole time- I was right all along, but you didn't listen to me!"
Truly, it was almost pleasant. Just remembering times past and musing over my current predicaments.
"I really can't promise to keep in touch. You know I don't keep that promise with anyone."
He laughed, because he knows I am going to contact him anyways. I always do, whenever I realize how alone I am in this world. And he really can't mind- because it tends to be like that with everyone who knows him.
It makes me sad, but I wish I was different.
I'm always wishing to change in the future, or that I have changed from the past. But he will never tell me straight out whether this is reasonable or true. He just listens, and I sense that burdening weight of the wealth of information that he knows (that I don't).
I kept brooding about that letter. I couldn't even sleep, wondering if and when I should deliver it. What will that person do when they read it? What will they do with the letter I already sent?
Throw it away.
My heart sank, because I think I already knew that.
Still, I have this second one. And my growing realization, my sneaking suspicion, is that I will have to burn it like the others. But this time I can't keep it forever- I am not patient enough to save it like that. Instead- hah- I thought it would be ironic or symbolic if I burnt it beside a memory. Right in the place where I saw that person light a fire in the park- it wasn't even the first time I have seen something light up because of that person. (always lighting up the world, no matter how dark)
Really I am too naive. What good is it to pour your heart into so many things that are leaking? Eventually there would be nothing left. But because I am always feeling filled up by passion for one idea or another, I mistakenly think it could never run out. And I am continuously hoping that somehow something else would benefit from it.
I dreamed of a person from long ago- in my past, but not really so long ago- and when I woke up I wondered why I had even thought of it. There are all these permanent scars and burdens from that time, and I always hoped that the person-the memory- would just be satisfied with that. Looking at those images again, it felt strange.
"I do not block someone coming in. I do not grab someone who is leaving."
When Shin said that, I thought I would never forget those words. But it seems to me that I have known them all along. Only a friend could say something so accurately.
And maybe the only thing that makes a friend is those words that cling to your soul- the ones that you just can't shake off because they have somehow always been a part of you.
And that word, that friend of mine, will always be there in my life. Walking just behind, or so far ahead that I can barely see them...
...but Reality is what we are living in- whether we choose to see it or not. And the only time I would be truly separated from it is when there is no more walking to do. When all that is left is sleep... then maybe those things in my heart would be set free- then I might be the one who can not be grabbed from leaving.
...and those other words, haunting me, will never believe how sorely they have clasped my heart.
Oh, why am I always doing this again and again- all along I have been only talking to myself! I keep saying I need to get out more, but look what happens. I am just coming back to where I started in the end! Or maybe it just feels like that whenever one comes home.
The conversation was not brief, and by no means shallow. But we had a good chat for once. Usually I think I am too defensive, not very reasonable. But after watching some TV show, we had something to start with, so I decided to stick around long enough to explore a broader discussion.
"You know, you can't live in a dream forever-"
-is not something I have to worry about hearing from my friend, Reality. I guess we both understand that I am aware of this. And he knows that I hear it all the time from our mutual acquaintances.
So the conversation was more light. And I was proud of myself that I did not get overly emotional. But we were recalling memories together, and we could laugh at times, "Wow, you really thought differently back then." And this time I was grateful that he had the tact not to throw it in my face, "I told you the whole time- I was right all along, but you didn't listen to me!"
Truly, it was almost pleasant. Just remembering times past and musing over my current predicaments.
"I really can't promise to keep in touch. You know I don't keep that promise with anyone."
He laughed, because he knows I am going to contact him anyways. I always do, whenever I realize how alone I am in this world. And he really can't mind- because it tends to be like that with everyone who knows him.
It makes me sad, but I wish I was different.
I'm always wishing to change in the future, or that I have changed from the past. But he will never tell me straight out whether this is reasonable or true. He just listens, and I sense that burdening weight of the wealth of information that he knows (that I don't).
I kept brooding about that letter. I couldn't even sleep, wondering if and when I should deliver it. What will that person do when they read it? What will they do with the letter I already sent?
Throw it away.
My heart sank, because I think I already knew that.
Still, I have this second one. And my growing realization, my sneaking suspicion, is that I will have to burn it like the others. But this time I can't keep it forever- I am not patient enough to save it like that. Instead- hah- I thought it would be ironic or symbolic if I burnt it beside a memory. Right in the place where I saw that person light a fire in the park- it wasn't even the first time I have seen something light up because of that person. (always lighting up the world, no matter how dark)
Really I am too naive. What good is it to pour your heart into so many things that are leaking? Eventually there would be nothing left. But because I am always feeling filled up by passion for one idea or another, I mistakenly think it could never run out. And I am continuously hoping that somehow something else would benefit from it.
I dreamed of a person from long ago- in my past, but not really so long ago- and when I woke up I wondered why I had even thought of it. There are all these permanent scars and burdens from that time, and I always hoped that the person-the memory- would just be satisfied with that. Looking at those images again, it felt strange.
"I do not block someone coming in. I do not grab someone who is leaving."
When Shin said that, I thought I would never forget those words. But it seems to me that I have known them all along. Only a friend could say something so accurately.
And maybe the only thing that makes a friend is those words that cling to your soul- the ones that you just can't shake off because they have somehow always been a part of you.
And that word, that friend of mine, will always be there in my life. Walking just behind, or so far ahead that I can barely see them...
...but Reality is what we are living in- whether we choose to see it or not. And the only time I would be truly separated from it is when there is no more walking to do. When all that is left is sleep... then maybe those things in my heart would be set free- then I might be the one who can not be grabbed from leaving.
...and those other words, haunting me, will never believe how sorely they have clasped my heart.
Oh, why am I always doing this again and again- all along I have been only talking to myself! I keep saying I need to get out more, but look what happens. I am just coming back to where I started in the end! Or maybe it just feels like that whenever one comes home.
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