Lecture Notes

Is the world reflected in the window any more real than the reality it imitates? Is it any less real? Let's be a cynic for a moment and question even reality...question everything.

I have to ask myself from time to time, "what do I even believe in?"

Hah! Well I dont have to. That is the disturbing part of it all. There is always that safe alternative of drinking my coffee and thinking about how delicious it is... instead Im taking a sip and turning my thoughts to the things that make sugar bitter.

I think about ethical examples of objective morality. I think about the things that make me sick. Female genital mutillation and child molestation. I think about how I am a biased son of a bitch. And I think about whether I have any right to tell someone else they are wrong...

And when my coffee tastes sweet, and the fog outside makes the world look like its wrapped in a warm blanket, I will probably say no. "Who am I to judge? I am not God! Thats his problem!"

But its cold outside...and the misty air is filled with dust blown from distant hells of worlds that I want to judge with all my heart. My coffee is so bitter, how can I even drink this? How can I even sit here while millions of people are crushed under the weight of the world. That weight that no one wants to care to dissipate, is it heavy?

I dont know, I want whipped cream on my coffee. I want to never look back at my own life and never see my own crushing history staring me in the face: What?! What are you going to do about it?!

I dont want to answer it...nothing...

People are so shocked when they hear a confident person is scared. They think that my face is some sort of reality that they know exists... but I dont even know that person reflected in the window, how can I know my own reality? I just know that at those times then I feel scared. And I happen to be honest and contradictory enough to seriously look you in the eyes and tell you, "I was scared".

I promise you, nothing bad has happened to me here, not in the ways you may think. I am having a great time! And no one has hurt me, they only welcome and soothe me. They are so sweet... and as I sip my coffee my blackened heart turns all those reflections bitter.

Its ok. Im just writing... and I felt like caring about the lectures just now. I felt like I could express some kind of ideology for a moment...hah, what kind of reality can we believe in? That was a really good question...but he never gave us an answer, I think that was the best part.