To the People I Love

I guess I still want her to know everything about me.

It should go without saying that there are people I want to know a lot about, but I usually go about that in very obvious ways. I can admit that I will never know everything about another person, but sometimes I like someone so much that it makes me want to try.

To be honest, I'm not very good at it. I can't make friends the way I'd like to.

More than anything, I think I am trying to verify something.

With these people, whom I have varying degrees of affection for, I am often getting dejected from the return. I don't have any particular response that I am expecting, but I would be lying to say that there isn't some kind of reaction I would like to see. Whether that be a change in them, or an exchange of words, or a subtle expression.

Perhaps the problem is that we are all so alike. Protecting ourselves comes before projecting ourselves, and the image we let people see is very controlled.

I am trying so very hard to reverse that. I want to be able to project the me that I feel resonating within. But most of the time, I think I am just over-exerting myself. I'm even coming off even more fake by my own standards. It just isn't working.

So sometimes I just want some verification, that they see it. I want to know that they know.

I want something like the words "I miss you", it doesn't even have to be as much as "I love you". But I've been saying these things way too much lately, and I think that's why my self-expression is backfiring.

I'm trying so hard to express myself, that I'm just thinking out loud. And the times that I say something that I really mean-that I really want someone to know- then it is almost callous. It's almost just another part of the brain vomit spewing from my mouth. And the people that notice those little comments-the ones I mean- usually don't react as I wish they could have- as I wish I could have helped. I say things, that I've been wanting to tell them delicately, inappropriately and often with ill-timing. And wanting them to react how they would if I told them at the right moment in confidence,  when I'm being so rash and wordy, is just unrealistic.

But I really do have good intentions- at least not ill intentions. To a large extent, I just want to be loved- to know I'm loved. And all the same, I enjoy giving them my love.

I know it's selfish to want someone to know so much about you- and still love you- but she is one person who surprises me with her tolerance for others' selfishness. So even though I know that I am not being fair when I blurt out things that would be better talked about at another time, it really just boils down to my desire for her understanding.

And those people that I want so desperately to understand, just highlight to me how much further I need to go to deserve the love I wish to receive. When I adore someone so much but they don't react how I'd like, I know that I just have that much more to learn in tolerance, love and life. When I try to connect with someone but I just feel distant from them, it just proves to me that there is something I'm not understanding about the relationship.

I really want to hug you, squeeze you, talk to you, look at you- but I'm not doing all those things for some reason or another. Then I wonder why you don't either. I don't even know if you you'd want to.

I guess I just want you to know that I love you, and I want you to love me too -even when our understandings of love are so inexplicable to one another.