Bitter

I really don't know how to feel recently.

It seems to me that I don't really need to know anything. One should just feel. But the delicate balance between dreams and reality has been off kilter for some time now. My mind has been off for some time. Experiencing this world through thought, distractions and confusion betray emotion.

I feel like a baby.

I'm reliving flashes of my childhood, and they are spilling out of my mouth. They are rushing through me again. I am that child again. I am angry at my parents again. It's not fair again! And then I realize that it was me all along. I was the one making the world such a dark and unforgiving place. I was making it into a nightmare. I tried so hard to reject that nightmare, by pretending everything was okay on the outside. But by not expressing myself, I was turning all the negativity and pain inward. It was becoming a part of me, and I did it to myself.

I am seeing that little girl, now. Removed from me, she cowers, tormenting herself. I want to tell her everything is okay. Even seeing others tell her, her telling herself and not believing it, I know now that I could help her. Because she needed to help herself. Instead of wishing for things to change. Instead of trying to believe in something that I knew was not true. I should have looked at my circumstances for what they were. And instead of internalizing it and running away from the world...I should have expelled it from me. I should have acknowledged my own feelings...

But things happen for a reason. I really want to believe that from the bottom of my heart. The child that experienced the world, swallowed in negativity and drowning in pain, experienced the world that way so she could learn from it. Maybe as I am now, I am no better, I'm still making myself suffer. I haven't learned what all of this is for. That's why I am yet in my infancy of being.

As I am now, I am still not strong enough. The me from then did not face herself, because she did not feel strong enough. And me wishing she had done things differently just proves that not much has changed.

I keep thinking that acknowledgement of my faults and scars will help me resolve them. That uncovering the deep rooted cause of my psychological, emotional and spiritual imbalances will somehow magically make them disappear. But like waking up a beast, there are times when merely waking it will not make it disappear. With enough negligence it will go back to sleep. It will linger.

What I need to do is let go of this bitterness.

The baby in me that wants so much. That expects so much. And is disappointed. Needs to stop being spoiled. The me that loves and experiences the world with wonder and hope... must step forward. If there was any time when I needed to fight for what I believe in, it should be now. Now, when I am so complacent, when I am letting my demons continue to dwell within me despite my awareness of them.

I do not need an exorcism. I need a revival, a cleansing... A REBIRTH.

I don't know how I am to manage it... and I don't know when exactly it will take place... But I know that the real me is within myself, as well as without. I know that it's buried under the layers and walls of bitterness and fear. I know that it is hiding in the unknown. Beyond all of that, I will not exist anymore. This uncertain person will not exist. Whatever remains will be the most truthful dream I can imagine... and better... because it will be real.