Experience

Recently, things have been going very well for me... and I can't help but notice how far I am from being "well off".

I have a family now.
I have a future.
I have potential.

But talent is universal. Opportunity is not.
Success is 20% preparation and 80% timing.

I can't even pay my own bills.
I can't sell my art.
I can't love myself, feel confident in myself.

These are my limitations, though they have some truth, it's only in as much as I limit myself.

I know this, so why don't I get over it?

I have so much, so why do I let myself get depressed over the little things? You know, like not making enough money, putting myself further and further in debt and generally living like a scavenger.

It's like my lack of confidence (or imposed perception that I lack confidence) is making my scrounge for everything. I may have grown up in complicated situations with a fair share of adversity, but people always told me they loved me. So why do I feel the need to scavenge for love? Why do I look for some kind of reaction or acknowledgement from people, as if I'm starving for love and attention?

I'm disgusted with myself.

I keep wanting to blame money for everything. I didn't have it growing up, and I don't have it now. But really, isn't it all my own fault? Wasting so much. Being so lazy. I want to be more productive and support myself, but I limit myself and get stressed out so easily. Why do I have such anxiety about doing what I know I need to do.

Sometimes I think I should give up on my dreams and just survive.

Trying to go to school for art and knowledge, and having to fight this ennui. Seeing my art set up next to my betters and ridiculed. Seeing my art set up next to others and praised- there is not difference. It. Gets. Me. Nothing.

That's not true, though? I get experience! Life experience!
Sometimes I just feel like asking, "What the fuck is that worth?!"

Ahh... why do I feel this way... fuck.

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