Getting it together

After the immense stress of finals and the end of the semester, I kind of feel broken. Like I need to reboot. Sleep.

I didn't die that one time. I was almost vying for it, but who cares? At this point, it's just another failed expectation. Though, I feel like I'm a bit burnt out on expecting anything. I still have both eyes.

Something did change, though, on that day. I didn't feel disappointed, like I thought I would. But, I started to feel suspended, in time. Like the aspects I tried to separate from each other suddenly looked around and realized they were all the same thing. And the feeling was just, "huh, so that's how it is, I guess".

I still feel a little anxious sometimes, when I contemplate just how big my expectations were. And even more so, when I stop to realize just how big many of my hopes still are.

But if I don't expect anything, can I really materialize my hopes and dreams? Maybe not. And I won't know unless I do.

At this point I'm just trying to pool together my inspirations into something tangible. Anything, really.

 I swear I'm not trying to be critical. It's just that there are things that I want in this life, and I don't have them as it is. Maybe I'm bitter.

So do we have to work together to make those things? Or am I going to have to step back and face myself... is it really all on me to make myself happy? Or can we get there together?

Maybe it's not even a "there" or an "it"... maybe it's loneliness and individuality and creation all in one. Maybe it just is an "is". Maybe you just are or you're not.

Enough "maybe". I'm tired of asking questions right now. I'm just... tired.