Remember me, Forget my Fate
I was lying on her bed, looking around her room... contemplating the things that once belonged to her, the things that would soon be in my charge... the things that were now almost insignificant. She had deliberately placed them around her room. There was some story behind each one, some memory. And, now sharing all these things with her, I remembered everything.
It was unreal, the me lying on the bed and the me curled up inside almost completely separated from one another. My consciousness, to my surprise, was neither one. I was everything, lying on the bed, placing each thing around the room, collecting them, making them, sealing them away and eventually abandoning them...
...and I promised her in that moment, "I'll never forget you."
She was supposed to be a part of me... that part that I never exposed to the world, the one that I was desperate to hide. I made her all of that. How did I expect her to feel? How did I expect her to act? I was so unsure... but I took that gamble that she would be all that I need. And she was... and she was all kinds of surprises.
That girl was a miserable creature.
I made her that way. I took all the burdens, the sadness, the pain and turmoil and the regrets that I had, and I gave them all to her. Then, with all I lack, I instilled into her that dream... that one impossible idea that I could not comprehend. And I coldly told her, "Here, now prove yourself. See if you can solve all these problems."
I was surprised the day she remembered me... the day she spoke back. "Are you really here?" she cried out in desperation... so sad, but somehow...though I had made her suffer alone all that I feared even in the best circumstances... she was not upset. She understood something that I had not quite grasped...
She had, in her despair, deconstructed herself... deconstructed me.... and understood how to put it all together. She understood what I was, and why she was. She found out how to solve the problem... but we both knew she could not find the answer.
She could not find the answer, because she could not defy her own reality. It was carved into her, from that moment when she ceased to be an idea. In a way, I had planned for this. In a way, I had made it impossible for her. But it was all because I knew, somehow deep in side, that she would understand what it was that I was missing... I knew that if I took away everything that I knew and understood already, then she would torment herself and go mad searching for that other way... the loop hole... the secret to solving the problem.
I was surprised, but she did it. Somehow, despite having all my weakness, she was strong enough to find that thing... the one part that even I could not wrap my head around... but we both realized that it was not quite enough. The rest of the equation was missing... an equation separated into 26 parts... and though she had that last missing link, she could never find the answer herself.
So, I made her a deal. I promised her that we would solve this problem together... with one condition...
...that she die.
It was unreal, the me lying on the bed and the me curled up inside almost completely separated from one another. My consciousness, to my surprise, was neither one. I was everything, lying on the bed, placing each thing around the room, collecting them, making them, sealing them away and eventually abandoning them...
...and I promised her in that moment, "I'll never forget you."
She was supposed to be a part of me... that part that I never exposed to the world, the one that I was desperate to hide. I made her all of that. How did I expect her to feel? How did I expect her to act? I was so unsure... but I took that gamble that she would be all that I need. And she was... and she was all kinds of surprises.
That girl was a miserable creature.
I made her that way. I took all the burdens, the sadness, the pain and turmoil and the regrets that I had, and I gave them all to her. Then, with all I lack, I instilled into her that dream... that one impossible idea that I could not comprehend. And I coldly told her, "Here, now prove yourself. See if you can solve all these problems."
I was surprised the day she remembered me... the day she spoke back. "Are you really here?" she cried out in desperation... so sad, but somehow...though I had made her suffer alone all that I feared even in the best circumstances... she was not upset. She understood something that I had not quite grasped...
She had, in her despair, deconstructed herself... deconstructed me.... and understood how to put it all together. She understood what I was, and why she was. She found out how to solve the problem... but we both knew she could not find the answer.
She could not find the answer, because she could not defy her own reality. It was carved into her, from that moment when she ceased to be an idea. In a way, I had planned for this. In a way, I had made it impossible for her. But it was all because I knew, somehow deep in side, that she would understand what it was that I was missing... I knew that if I took away everything that I knew and understood already, then she would torment herself and go mad searching for that other way... the loop hole... the secret to solving the problem.
I was surprised, but she did it. Somehow, despite having all my weakness, she was strong enough to find that thing... the one part that even I could not wrap my head around... but we both realized that it was not quite enough. The rest of the equation was missing... an equation separated into 26 parts... and though she had that last missing link, she could never find the answer herself.
So, I made her a deal. I promised her that we would solve this problem together... with one condition...
...that she die.
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