Feeling of Spirit
On days like this, I can't help but look back on my life. I know I'm not very old by society's standards... and hopefully this stage in my life is just the beginning compared to my life-expectancy... but on days like this, I feel like I have come a very very long way through time.
The cool air of the beginning of Autumn comes in waves through the open windows of Corey's room. I'm sitting here after meticulously connecting glass beads to a metal chain for my Jewelry class, and I began to write out thoughts for my characteristically complex first project. Corey is mowing the lawn outside, which should be annoying since the windows are open and the sound drowns out my music at times. However, I feel so at peace that all my surroundings have become inexplicably beautiful.
I keep breathing slowly through my nose. The smell of Autumn is familiar, but also very crisp and new. I remember sitting on the hill outside the Snellville Ward building of the LDS church, when I was still in high school. A similar feeling washed over me then. I was wearing a long skirt that reached past my ankles, my hair was so long that I had to tie it up with a scrunchy, and I wore a cheap black soccer-jacket. My heels were very clunky, and I was curled over my bent legs staring at them. I was supposed to be in Sunday school class, but I didn't even go. I waited in the bathroom for everyone to go to their classes, and when the hall cleared I took off outside and settled on this hill. Looking at the shoes, I thought I should take them off, too. I wanted to take it all off, this skirt... this jacket... even cut off all my hair. But most of all, I wanted to take off this identity.
I was keeping so many secrets, back then. I was so full of hate for everything, myself most of all for wearing this skin and walking around in these shoes like they would take me somewhere worthwhile. At that particular time, I felt like I was really alone. I didn't tell anyone how I was suffering. I felt that I knew it wouldn't do any good. I thought that if I wasn't strong enough to shoulder this weight on my own, then I should just be crushed by it and disappear. Looking back, I still remember clearly how that felt. I was not mad at anyone but myself... realizing that the people who were supposed to be taking care of me had done the opposite, that I had been beaten down and spit upon emotionally all my life, and that I had sat there and just took it. I did not hate them for making me this way, I hated myself for not being strong enough, and not having the identity and presence of mind to say "No, I don't deserve this and I'm not going to take this."
In that moment, staring at my shoes on that green hillside, I started crying. I didn't even really know why I was crying, but it felt so good to just let it all out and cry like that.
I ripped off my clunky black heels and threw off my little jacket. I ruffled up my hair and just lashed out at nothing, punching and clawing at the open air, falling and lashing out at the Earth, ripping up clumps of grass, and crying so hard. It was probably a pitiful sight. But just then, something caught my eye, and I looked up. The sun was so bright, shining from beyond the hazy clouds. Even though it hurt my eyes, I stared at it... and without any particular reason I started laughing.
That was the first time I heard another voice. That day, I started to talk to the Sun. It may have been that moment that some part of me split. Maybe that was the day I really lost it... but something in my head clicked. For the first time in a long time, I smiled genuinely. A breeze was blowing, and I danced around in it a little before collapsing down into the grass. I lied there, smiling, feeling a warmth unlike anything I had ever felt from Religion, from Humanity, or even from Leah... I felt like I had realized that I was something else beyond all that... and even though I didn't know what it was, just that much was enough...
...with just that much, I had nothing more to hate.
That was almost four years ago... and it may not sound like much, but I have changed so much more since then. I almost have to laugh at how much I've been through. Comparing my experience to others really doesn't do myself justice. Time is relative, and just a breeze made me remember a time that feels so long ago like it was just today. It was not long after that, that I began to rapidly change, coming to accept and understand myself for all it's worth. I once said that I didn't really start living until I left for College, but maybe it didn't happen quite so suddenly. I'm 20 years old now, and it seems so young... because time is so relative... Four years felt like a lifetime.
The cool air of the beginning of Autumn comes in waves through the open windows of Corey's room. I'm sitting here after meticulously connecting glass beads to a metal chain for my Jewelry class, and I began to write out thoughts for my characteristically complex first project. Corey is mowing the lawn outside, which should be annoying since the windows are open and the sound drowns out my music at times. However, I feel so at peace that all my surroundings have become inexplicably beautiful.
I keep breathing slowly through my nose. The smell of Autumn is familiar, but also very crisp and new. I remember sitting on the hill outside the Snellville Ward building of the LDS church, when I was still in high school. A similar feeling washed over me then. I was wearing a long skirt that reached past my ankles, my hair was so long that I had to tie it up with a scrunchy, and I wore a cheap black soccer-jacket. My heels were very clunky, and I was curled over my bent legs staring at them. I was supposed to be in Sunday school class, but I didn't even go. I waited in the bathroom for everyone to go to their classes, and when the hall cleared I took off outside and settled on this hill. Looking at the shoes, I thought I should take them off, too. I wanted to take it all off, this skirt... this jacket... even cut off all my hair. But most of all, I wanted to take off this identity.
I was keeping so many secrets, back then. I was so full of hate for everything, myself most of all for wearing this skin and walking around in these shoes like they would take me somewhere worthwhile. At that particular time, I felt like I was really alone. I didn't tell anyone how I was suffering. I felt that I knew it wouldn't do any good. I thought that if I wasn't strong enough to shoulder this weight on my own, then I should just be crushed by it and disappear. Looking back, I still remember clearly how that felt. I was not mad at anyone but myself... realizing that the people who were supposed to be taking care of me had done the opposite, that I had been beaten down and spit upon emotionally all my life, and that I had sat there and just took it. I did not hate them for making me this way, I hated myself for not being strong enough, and not having the identity and presence of mind to say "No, I don't deserve this and I'm not going to take this."
In that moment, staring at my shoes on that green hillside, I started crying. I didn't even really know why I was crying, but it felt so good to just let it all out and cry like that.
I ripped off my clunky black heels and threw off my little jacket. I ruffled up my hair and just lashed out at nothing, punching and clawing at the open air, falling and lashing out at the Earth, ripping up clumps of grass, and crying so hard. It was probably a pitiful sight. But just then, something caught my eye, and I looked up. The sun was so bright, shining from beyond the hazy clouds. Even though it hurt my eyes, I stared at it... and without any particular reason I started laughing.
That was the first time I heard another voice. That day, I started to talk to the Sun. It may have been that moment that some part of me split. Maybe that was the day I really lost it... but something in my head clicked. For the first time in a long time, I smiled genuinely. A breeze was blowing, and I danced around in it a little before collapsing down into the grass. I lied there, smiling, feeling a warmth unlike anything I had ever felt from Religion, from Humanity, or even from Leah... I felt like I had realized that I was something else beyond all that... and even though I didn't know what it was, just that much was enough...
...with just that much, I had nothing more to hate.
That was almost four years ago... and it may not sound like much, but I have changed so much more since then. I almost have to laugh at how much I've been through. Comparing my experience to others really doesn't do myself justice. Time is relative, and just a breeze made me remember a time that feels so long ago like it was just today. It was not long after that, that I began to rapidly change, coming to accept and understand myself for all it's worth. I once said that I didn't really start living until I left for College, but maybe it didn't happen quite so suddenly. I'm 20 years old now, and it seems so young... because time is so relative... Four years felt like a lifetime.
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