I'm not even drinking

People are most honest when they are drunk...it seems...

It seems when I am drunk, I am so emotional and so sensitive. Even words in jest, which I would normally cut off from me, hit me so hard...it seems so silly, so I want to stop it...but maybe I should embrace this side of myself.

I have read the words over and over again, and heard them from so many people:
Embrace the feminine and masculine aspects of yourself to find the perfect balance.

What does that really mean? I always wondered.

Does it mean that I will truly understand myself once I do this? Will I cease to wonder, "who am I?" and finally allow myself to just be me?

I thought, "I want to be someone who is strong, so if I take the aspects I like of both sides, I will be someone strong like I have always imagined." Desperately trying to become someone better, something better... I feel I have somehow neglected the fact that I am human.

I watched other people as if they were something different from me. My soul feels so different, so I must be something different. Perhaps I was something different before, but for now I am human. I am just the same, so why do make myself feel so different and so isolated from the world and from these people?

Seeing what they have, I felt envious.

I cried while watching dramas, filled with actors who were pretending to be human. I laughed as I watched humans, getting hurt and running in cycles... I thought I was something better, something so different. It's like I was not allowing myself to really live?

I am scared.

These people are hurt so easily. These people love so easily. In a moment they will connect with another person and say "I love you" and that person will somehow decide the same thing...then in time, in a week or a month or a year or for years, they decide they don't feel the same anymore and leave. Then, they do it all over again.

I thought, "how carefree, such creatures are pitiful"...but then I thought, "I really wish I could feel that. I wish I could experience that, even for a time."

In this silly show, the character has died and is trying desperately to live again. I cried yelling, "you have to live!" and wanted to see that character succeed.

Meanwhile, I have been drawing myself out from this world. I have been carelessly separating myself from people...and trying so hard to protect myself from them. I always watched people, tried to guess their next moves, analyzed their actions. I understood them, pitied them, but always tried to stay so distant. It made me sad to realize, maybe it really works. Maybe I have really separated myself so well, that I am really alone in this moment.

Sitting by myself, I thought of those words which hurt me. I thought, "how can it be that something so simple could really hurt that much?" All this time, I have been able to protect myself from people and their hurtful words. I have been numb to their feelings and watched them from afar, even as I am right next to them...but really I am just the same? Really, it didn't work at all? I put those feelings in some secret box within me, and when I opened my eyes and tried to accept that I am also this way...that box came pouring open.

The light of my cigarette glowed so brightly. The stars began to twinkle mysteriously, beckoning me to wonder about them. The house felt so cold and quiet, and the words that I had sung and heard from others came echoing through my mind with meaning.

I panicked. What is this? Why am I like this?

I realized, this is me...

No matter how much I wanted to deny those things...the things I did not like about myself... they are really me?

"I'm really a hopeless romantic!" I cried, hating and loving myself in that instant. This is what it's like to be a woman? I will continue to feel these things more and more if I embrace my femininity? That's so scary...but is that really what I must do? To stop calculating...to stop imagining the scenarios in my head and anticipating every move before it happens...to just let life come at me and react spontaneously and whole-heartedly...is that what was meant by the phrase, "live in the moment?"

I am truly intellectual to my core. I am trying to understand everything...but I did not understand something so simple until now?

I understood people... but I did not understand that I myself am just the same right now?

I think it's silly, that I feel so emotional. That I feel so lonely and so passionate... I think it, but have I really felt it?

Is it strange to sit back and make the choice, "I want to be human. I want to live"? I think maybe everyone else thought this from their first cry at birth...so when did I stop feeling things? When did I start to hide myself behind a wall of thoughts? Sharp...like daggers...every thought was so harsh and calculating...when did this wall form? I have been wanting to understand it and control it...but I had not even thought of how it really came to be...

How did I really come to be?

Probably...it was from a desire to live.

Ha, it seems so strange to feel this way and think these things as I sit alone. Looking at the technology life has placed in my path I know I am not alone and that I must only take that step... haha, listen to me! I am not even drunk!...but it's so strange...this is so similar to how I feel when I'm drunk. Is this how I am when I am being truly being honest with myself? Is this how it feels to truly be honest with my heart?

It's so much...I kind of want to drink now...hahaha!