Antithesis

As I was sleeping, the world was turning- and I was foolish enough to believe that only the people I welcomed could enter my dreams.

I've been learning how to recognize my fears and face them head on. Unfortunately, with the difficulty I've been having in recognizing fears... I seemed to have become somewhat stupid in devising proper responses to them.

I was quite surprised when I finally woke up. I woke up to find that someone had somehow broken into my world and mangled all my hopes and cherished philosophies... only to realize that I had left it all unsecured.
It was a mistake. To even look in that direction- I made myself too vulnerable from the beginning.

From the beginning...it was a little girl.

This guy, he noticed this little girl that adored this boy.
He said he saw a little girl get shot in the head.
He was so blatantly frightening...it made me curious, and I dismissed my desire to run away...because that is just giving into "fear".
For a story, I should trade a story. His story seemed personal, and I followed suit...like a lamb to be slaughtered.
Somehow, walking in a crowd of people made me feel alienated.
Somehow, feeling alienated brought out every vulnerable trait I hide deep inside me.
Somehow, I didn't notice that this guy was going to take advantage of those traits.
Somehow, I had come to the same place at the same time as someone who opposed every defining idea of my heart.
Something like an antithesis:
Life is like a gun. You pull the trigger: someone dies. You don't: they live. It goes away in a flash.
Pursuance of a person is a game or conquest, like life, and rejection pulls the trigger.
Death. He reveled in it. He claimed that in the moment after death, choosing between a place of peace and a place of eternal despair, he would choose pain and suffering.
Everything needed physical proof.
Everything inside me said to run away, go find that boy.
He did not like that.
He probably liked that he uncovered a little girl that was too afraid to oppose him, that listened to him, that would even empathize against her heart's desire.
He tested her. Occasionally, he let her go to find that boy...but she was too scared, she would leave him and go off alone...and that's when he would find her.
When she finally determined to face her inlaid fears, that's when she could not find him...
Fear combined with instinctual fear, logical fear... and at the peak she took a leap...into the wrong arms.
And he got what he wanted...
...but not with satisfaction... he wanted everything.
But luckily...she finally woke up...and began to walk away.

 I was quite unhappy when I awoke.
Trying to sleep...I keep having nightmares. Trying to eat... body keeps rejecting the food.
But I know what I want...and what I do not want... so much better.

I learned that there are times when it's okay to run in fear... those who fear death are unfit to take life... I wish only to preserve and enrich it.


I realized the pleasant difference between hating people and not giving a fuck... and hating life. I dearly love people who don't give a fuck...
...but someone who does not cherish life... is disgusting.