Outcome

It hurts a lot... I've been crying all day.

It doesn't hurt more than being betrayed by someone I love, though.

Apparently I'm sort of selfish bastard. Apparently no matter how hard I try to isolate myself and protect other people from my selfishness... it just doesn't work.

Crying in front of other people: they tend to just look at you... they don't understand.
Crying alone, I want to just let it all out. I exhale the sorrow and tears come out. Once I think I'm finished and I try to compose myself... I realize I deserve it all... and I exhale again.

"I don't want to be alone..." I see crowds of people through the tears and they all just stare as they pass by. I really just want a hug. Seeing someone I know, I steal one...but it does nothing: the man is just confused. "Smile, because the weather is so pretty."

On a day like today, when sunshine turns into tornadoes.... tears turn into blood... blank stares rip you apart on the outside while fake smiles rip you apart on the inside... I deserve everything.

I prescribed to an outcome.

Sometimes I really hate learning a lesson... I love to learn, but I do not always enjoy learning.

I want to believe I will be great. I want to believe everything will turn out as it should be.
Your precious smile, I want to cling to it and believe.

If I imagine something: it has yet to happen that way.
When I visualize optimistically, I call it a dream. When I visualize realistically, I call it a nightmare.

I am an artist, but I can not make the outcomes I dream about become real. I can not make the people and places of dreams real... but I can paint a pretty picture.

Imagine me: alone in a room of pictures. Nightmare.
Imagine me: the world is but an endless picture for me to look at.

I fail because I keep trying to visualize an end.
WHY CAN EVERYONE LIVE SO CARELESSLY? Why do I feel so estranged from this realm?

There is no such thing as an outcome. It's all a bottomless pit extending into infinity.

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