Something... like it

I have a wish in my heart, if only that wish were to come true… even if I were to become nothing but dust to time and the ages, I would be satisfied with all I have done in this life.

Do you ever feel a whispering notion, an absurd idea, filling your heart and lungs until it feels like you can’t breath?

As I walked in a circle

Listening through memories

A wind caught my eye

Whisping away my last teardrop

Do you have something to live for? Do you need to have something, to live?

Have you ever wondered, “Is it okay for me to just float on in life, never doing or changing anything…simply watching, then fading away”?

Have you ever thought you found “something”?

I know too many people who live for other people. “You are my life. Without you, I should disappear…yet I am here.”

The Banshees and the little Boat

It came to pass, that the space that is the land within my heart began to expand and prosper. This had happened many times before and would only continue with redefined senses of identity. However, the inhabitants of many regions would often come to realize that their percentages in the heartland were decreasing. Their places were not getting any smaller, but the heart was getting bigger...and new faces were receiving seemingly larger or better regions.

Many of them shrugged it off, they knew their space was theirs and they had no question to it. They may even reconnect in ways that gave them new-found love to nurture. With their peaceful methods, the ruler of the heart would often find more space for them. Some even mingled and shared their wide expanses, flourishing altogether.

Some force, however, consumed others. It went by many names: jealousy, obsession, hunger for attention… or with such a large region unknown to them, perhaps it was intimidation. Whatever it was, it was festering under the surface, and the walls of their facades were slowly weakening to it. Small comments, a twitch in the expression, deep starved breaths, and the appearance of tears were some of the first signs of distress. Then came the floods bubbling over with all kinds of bitter emotion, floods which never failed. The strategy was to first win pity, then as the ruler of the heart gasped for air struggling for survival there would be no choice but to give in or drown. Either way, the flood would be dammed by submission and concession, cemented together with fear and guilt, leaving a larger region under their dominion.

This time, however, the ruler was able to build a little raft of self-confidence. With a cute little sail and flag that read, "I'm not going to take your shit, so you can just leave."

That had a surprising effect. Upon seeing the raft, those inhabitants suddenly transformed into the most hideous and ferocious of banshees, screaming and crying and making such a horrible noise. Their tears contributed greatly to the deluge, and the little raft whirled around pitifully in the turbulence.

Just as it seemed the little raft would sink, the battle to be lost, some of those who had gained land by peaceful means joined the fight. They knew they could not effectively take over for the ruler, so they sent all kinds of words of encouragement to fortify the raft. At times they would even call directions to help steer it out of the torrents. The ruler was astonished, with so much help the raft had actually become a quite functional boat!

When the banshees saw that the ruler would not succumb to their frightful ways, they retreated... receding back into smaller tucked away regions. Perhaps they could close the gates on their borders and keep their space, quietly residing there to hopefully earn back the trust of their good friend, whom they so sorely betrayed. In fact, with this in mind, they timidly began to press, “Forgive me, let’s start anew and reconnect. See how peaceful I am now?”

But the question remained… after seeing your form as such a horrible creature, finally realizing that you had always been using the same tactic of manipulation and building up to such a measure, and becoming stronger by withstanding against you... what reason would there be to trust you now? You may think you are being treated unjustly, but…

My heart will keep growing, and from the beginning it was not so hard to win over if you really love me.

I’ve feared that I might become like them.

To be able to love, you have to be able to love yourself… I had another epiphany, and my heart felt it would burst.

Those things I love, I wanted to hate them. “I am still here, so why are you alive?”

I wanted to kill them… my dreams, because it seemed easier for them to die.

I’ve wondered, if you had to choose… between someone you love “hating you passionately” or “ignoring you completely”… which would you choose?

I imagined that I took a clear path, one led by passion and desire, and felt that sense of human decay- a transformation into something sinister.

I could not imagine that I walked headlong into fear, because even that felt like too much.

Is it easier to die, if you know you can be born again? Not believing in anything, why is this so hard?

I saw the actor behind the role, the fairytale shattered, and I did not want to play anymore. If you like the actor, but that person thought you liked the character, wouldn’t that be confusing?

Sometimes I think I’m drifting into the current… let me go? …drift along?

Sometimes a fish jumps out of the sea, but then it goes back in… jump again? ...different fish?

Just keep going, like a dolphin~ I like the sound, too.

For a moment I thought I was seeing into the future… or something like it.

Sometimes when you take a step back, you just have to ask: What the Fuck?