This New Perspective
Instead of just constantly seeing the world for what it is, like I know I should... or picking a general concept or belief to prescribe myself to, like I know most people do...
...I feel I am rapidly shifting from one to another. Sometimes feeling understanding and clarity, but always falling into a pitfall.
I never thought I could be so emotional.
From an outside perspective, I'm sure everything seems silly or typical. I even tried looking at my pain in this way. I tried seeing no reason for it, and hoped to let it go.
Memories and dreams keep flashing before my eyes... the happy things are starting to become some form of sick torture. The happier, the more it hurts.
I hope that the promises and the dreams could be more than lies. I hope that they could still come to be true... even if it's not in the context I had originally thought.
The cold reality of what is happening cuts like a knife.
I wonder, if these things were supposed to happen... if those words were meant for me to hear... then what am I really supposed to learn from all this?
It is sad, but is it really supposed to be this way?
The thing that returns again and again -the moral, the lesson- is that I have been looking for the wrong kind of love... the wrong sort of trust.
The idea that hurts the most -and seems the most clear- from so many different perspectives...
... is that I need to accept that there just isn't anyone to love and care for me... all I have is myself...
... perhaps the biggest point is... I still don't love myself, so no one can truly love me.
If I can not love myself... will I never have anyone by my side?
When I really feel "I deserve this suffering"...my feeling is also that "everyone wants me to suffer"... that overwhelming loneliness... why do I know it so well?
***edit***
On the opposite end of the spectrum... I realize I have so much support and love from the people around me...
I know what I have to do, even if I'm afraid to do it... and they will stand behind me and watch over me.
Sometimes, with such rapid growth and changes, it's easy to slip into a childish and fearful mindset. At those times, the loudest voices are the ones that wish me ill. Because at those times, I wish myself ill.
I recently came to understand more about myself and my perceptiveness. Before, the easiest way to cope with my ability to understand people and my own goals or need for action... was to think "I have this power" or "I am led by some entity or force"...
On the ground, looking at myself, I see that my attention to detail, intuition, and reasoning all contribute to this ability. It's almost scientific how I observe people, compare what I observe to what I know, and evaluate everything. So many little details are noted and considered...
...in a similar sense, I realized that my dreams and clear visions of action may not be "fate" or "visions of the future"... With things I feel guided to do in the present, I often never see the end result of my actions. With things I dream or see for my future, I often change my mind or find those things may not be immediately or logically possible. This doesn't mean it's "bad" to follow the ideas and intuition that guides me... because even if what I expect does not happen, I am always led in the right direction.
I also understand, thinking of these things, that even though I am experiencing something so new and so unpleasant, it doesn't mean I deserve the pain... it doesn't mean I was meant to gain fear or hatred from it... but I can learn to overcome those negative feelings... and I can learn so much from the experience as a whole.
I can learn what I really want from life, and from other people. I can learn how to do things I never dreamed I would be capable of doing. I can learn to consider possibilities I would have never considered... I can learn things that will help me to continue to grow and become the person I want to be.
I am hopeful for so much, for the very best outcome possible... even if I am expectant of the very worst.
Having these two opposite fields of vision, of course I could be confused and trapped between them... but no matter what happens, I know I will be able to learn from it and become stronger.
...I feel I am rapidly shifting from one to another. Sometimes feeling understanding and clarity, but always falling into a pitfall.
I never thought I could be so emotional.
From an outside perspective, I'm sure everything seems silly or typical. I even tried looking at my pain in this way. I tried seeing no reason for it, and hoped to let it go.
Memories and dreams keep flashing before my eyes... the happy things are starting to become some form of sick torture. The happier, the more it hurts.
I hope that the promises and the dreams could be more than lies. I hope that they could still come to be true... even if it's not in the context I had originally thought.
The cold reality of what is happening cuts like a knife.
I wonder, if these things were supposed to happen... if those words were meant for me to hear... then what am I really supposed to learn from all this?
It is sad, but is it really supposed to be this way?
The thing that returns again and again -the moral, the lesson- is that I have been looking for the wrong kind of love... the wrong sort of trust.
The idea that hurts the most -and seems the most clear- from so many different perspectives...
... is that I need to accept that there just isn't anyone to love and care for me... all I have is myself...
... perhaps the biggest point is... I still don't love myself, so no one can truly love me.
If I can not love myself... will I never have anyone by my side?
When I really feel "I deserve this suffering"...my feeling is also that "everyone wants me to suffer"... that overwhelming loneliness... why do I know it so well?
***edit***
On the opposite end of the spectrum... I realize I have so much support and love from the people around me...
I know what I have to do, even if I'm afraid to do it... and they will stand behind me and watch over me.
Sometimes, with such rapid growth and changes, it's easy to slip into a childish and fearful mindset. At those times, the loudest voices are the ones that wish me ill. Because at those times, I wish myself ill.
I recently came to understand more about myself and my perceptiveness. Before, the easiest way to cope with my ability to understand people and my own goals or need for action... was to think "I have this power" or "I am led by some entity or force"...
On the ground, looking at myself, I see that my attention to detail, intuition, and reasoning all contribute to this ability. It's almost scientific how I observe people, compare what I observe to what I know, and evaluate everything. So many little details are noted and considered...
...in a similar sense, I realized that my dreams and clear visions of action may not be "fate" or "visions of the future"... With things I feel guided to do in the present, I often never see the end result of my actions. With things I dream or see for my future, I often change my mind or find those things may not be immediately or logically possible. This doesn't mean it's "bad" to follow the ideas and intuition that guides me... because even if what I expect does not happen, I am always led in the right direction.
I also understand, thinking of these things, that even though I am experiencing something so new and so unpleasant, it doesn't mean I deserve the pain... it doesn't mean I was meant to gain fear or hatred from it... but I can learn to overcome those negative feelings... and I can learn so much from the experience as a whole.
I can learn what I really want from life, and from other people. I can learn how to do things I never dreamed I would be capable of doing. I can learn to consider possibilities I would have never considered... I can learn things that will help me to continue to grow and become the person I want to be.
I am hopeful for so much, for the very best outcome possible... even if I am expectant of the very worst.
Having these two opposite fields of vision, of course I could be confused and trapped between them... but no matter what happens, I know I will be able to learn from it and become stronger.
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