Sorting through the Confusion
It's interesting seeing how different I am from my peers. Many times I feel like I'm much older than everyone around me...even the adults. I like to listen to people, and in college there is an abundance of people to hear...
I know I repeat things a lot, I'm not a very strong conversationalist, but I'd like to reiterate that I'm moved by my World History professor.
Today, we discussed Confucius and his philosophy. I felt like, because my professor loved the subject so much, I also came to discover a love for what he taught. It's funny, because the class is only an hour...but I'm only eighteen, time is only relevant based on perspective.
There were many things that really struck me, in this lesson, though. First, the concept of family. "History is a sign post to the future", and if my family history is any sign, I don't want to make the same mistakes. When I ponder my life, I almost always begin with the bad things and the pain. I then think, "I really want to change this and protect my family". Then, I remember the good things, the things I want to keep forever. I imagine doing those things for my future family.
Despite these thoughts, I feel disturbed by people (women) who live only to be a wife and mother. Namely, the conditioned girls growing up in the church I will say I grew up in. Right now, I have a lot of difficulty returning there, because of the people. They haven't wronged me in a sense, but it's awful to watch as they continually suppress themselves and the people around them. It's strange understanding the good an institution does for people in their lives, giving them walls, while also seeing many of the wonderful things on the outside of those walls that are being forsaken.
There's something interesting about the Church and Confucius, though. They both talk about the male head of a household, and the wife's submissive role to him. I don't understand why, but I feel really confused and anxious about this topic. The idea itself, is not entirely a bad one. If there is a man strong enough and supportive enough to do what Confucius (and the Church) claims to be the duty of the head of a household (clothing, feeding, housing, and nurturing all other members) and a woman who loves him enough to support him and trust him and focus on the family's upbringing, I see no problem with this. However, Confucius' time had not seen educated women, and the men he taught his philosophy to were under high standards. Then, many had a hard time following faithfully his teachings...and today that's even more true. This might be an ideal arrangement, if the people in this supposed family were not human beings. From my experience, I think someone with the mental strength and ability to do all those things for me or "my family" would not exist in this lifetime. Or rather, there is a lot of doubt surrounding the concept. But supposing such a person existed, I was in love with that person completely, and we could both grow and support each other... I think I could maybe marry someone like that.
There is a lot of fear and negativity in me about marriage, however. If you know me, you'll know that's not unjustified. I'm not sure how much others understand, but it's a marvel that I would go so far as to imagine qualities I'd like in a husband. Just the thought makes me very uncomfortable and annoyed. I want so desperately to live my life as an individual and not be reliant on someone else. However, I also want to raise a family...and the funny thing is that my idea of the children I will have, includes a father (but not necessarily in presence, as much as in identity and connection).
Ah, this class perplexes me and makes me think of troublesome things...
It also made me think of some amazing things, however. As I walked home, I contemplated what I'd like to do with my life. The places I'd like to go, the things I'd like to do for people, the way I'd like to view the world, and the kind of person I'd like to be. All those things are nearly impossible, if I do not love myself. I've understood that and thought about it many times. In fact, the realization that I needed to focus on this aspect of myself came a while ago. It was nice having the reminder, though. Nice getting back on track. Self improvement takes a back seat to self love, because the improvement can only really come after the love is there...but why is it so hard to develop?
I feel like I will waste my life, if I can't learn that one thing...but how do I know when I've learned and it's time to move on to the next phase? Several times, I felt like I really got it. I was seven stories tall, flying, seeing the people below and loving them. Where did it go? Why can't I get it to stay? There is so much in my mind, it's like every time I start to soar, thinking I'm ready, another net is thrown over my head.
I think this class makes me think a little more than I'd like to on a weekday...but that's not a bad thing. Because what are weekdays anyway, but time? I'm living so much in every day, I wonder why my time is so much different from others?
Another fun thing about my class today, my professor claims that if he could change one person's life, he'd be satisfied with his. I wonder, does he have to know to feel that satisfaction? Maybe one day he will.
This picture is wonderful. Whenever I try to imagine myself how I'd like to be, this is very close to what I picture.
On a happy, fun note. I fell in love with the words of Confucius' 4 main virtues: Jen (Love and Benevolence), Chih (Intelligence and Wisdom), Yung (Courage to do what is right), and Li (Moral).
I think my heart is playing with the idea of naming children lovely names with those words...like "Jenmin", "Chiho", and "Suyung"...I don't know if there is a particular reason why, but I really like these kinds of names and meanings...(I am Li-ah, my children will follow me like the religious follow their morals and rituals >:D...unless they are human)
I know I repeat things a lot, I'm not a very strong conversationalist, but I'd like to reiterate that I'm moved by my World History professor.
Today, we discussed Confucius and his philosophy. I felt like, because my professor loved the subject so much, I also came to discover a love for what he taught. It's funny, because the class is only an hour...but I'm only eighteen, time is only relevant based on perspective.
There were many things that really struck me, in this lesson, though. First, the concept of family. "History is a sign post to the future", and if my family history is any sign, I don't want to make the same mistakes. When I ponder my life, I almost always begin with the bad things and the pain. I then think, "I really want to change this and protect my family". Then, I remember the good things, the things I want to keep forever. I imagine doing those things for my future family.
Despite these thoughts, I feel disturbed by people (women) who live only to be a wife and mother. Namely, the conditioned girls growing up in the church I will say I grew up in. Right now, I have a lot of difficulty returning there, because of the people. They haven't wronged me in a sense, but it's awful to watch as they continually suppress themselves and the people around them. It's strange understanding the good an institution does for people in their lives, giving them walls, while also seeing many of the wonderful things on the outside of those walls that are being forsaken.
There's something interesting about the Church and Confucius, though. They both talk about the male head of a household, and the wife's submissive role to him. I don't understand why, but I feel really confused and anxious about this topic. The idea itself, is not entirely a bad one. If there is a man strong enough and supportive enough to do what Confucius (and the Church) claims to be the duty of the head of a household (clothing, feeding, housing, and nurturing all other members) and a woman who loves him enough to support him and trust him and focus on the family's upbringing, I see no problem with this. However, Confucius' time had not seen educated women, and the men he taught his philosophy to were under high standards. Then, many had a hard time following faithfully his teachings...and today that's even more true. This might be an ideal arrangement, if the people in this supposed family were not human beings. From my experience, I think someone with the mental strength and ability to do all those things for me or "my family" would not exist in this lifetime. Or rather, there is a lot of doubt surrounding the concept. But supposing such a person existed, I was in love with that person completely, and we could both grow and support each other... I think I could maybe marry someone like that.
There is a lot of fear and negativity in me about marriage, however. If you know me, you'll know that's not unjustified. I'm not sure how much others understand, but it's a marvel that I would go so far as to imagine qualities I'd like in a husband. Just the thought makes me very uncomfortable and annoyed. I want so desperately to live my life as an individual and not be reliant on someone else. However, I also want to raise a family...and the funny thing is that my idea of the children I will have, includes a father (but not necessarily in presence, as much as in identity and connection).
Ah, this class perplexes me and makes me think of troublesome things...
It also made me think of some amazing things, however. As I walked home, I contemplated what I'd like to do with my life. The places I'd like to go, the things I'd like to do for people, the way I'd like to view the world, and the kind of person I'd like to be. All those things are nearly impossible, if I do not love myself. I've understood that and thought about it many times. In fact, the realization that I needed to focus on this aspect of myself came a while ago. It was nice having the reminder, though. Nice getting back on track. Self improvement takes a back seat to self love, because the improvement can only really come after the love is there...but why is it so hard to develop?
I feel like I will waste my life, if I can't learn that one thing...but how do I know when I've learned and it's time to move on to the next phase? Several times, I felt like I really got it. I was seven stories tall, flying, seeing the people below and loving them. Where did it go? Why can't I get it to stay? There is so much in my mind, it's like every time I start to soar, thinking I'm ready, another net is thrown over my head.
I think this class makes me think a little more than I'd like to on a weekday...but that's not a bad thing. Because what are weekdays anyway, but time? I'm living so much in every day, I wonder why my time is so much different from others?
Another fun thing about my class today, my professor claims that if he could change one person's life, he'd be satisfied with his. I wonder, does he have to know to feel that satisfaction? Maybe one day he will.
On a happy, fun note. I fell in love with the words of Confucius' 4 main virtues: Jen (Love and Benevolence), Chih (Intelligence and Wisdom), Yung (Courage to do what is right), and Li (Moral).
I think my heart is playing with the idea of naming children lovely names with those words...like "Jenmin", "Chiho", and "Suyung"...I don't know if there is a particular reason why, but I really like these kinds of names and meanings...(I am Li-ah, my children will follow me like the religious follow their morals and rituals >:D...unless they are human)
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